Back in 2009, a Facebook friend got married. All the online congrats were flying in. Then, one comment caught my eye “Welcome to the most exclusive club in the world…..”. Then, as a single girl (using single in the context of single and married. Engaged or in a relationship doesn’t count here), I didn’t like that.
We hear a lot of tales about how girls’ attitudes change towards their single friends after they get married. There is this air of superiority that some married girls adopt. I never understood it. I saw marriage like a natural transition in life, nothing to be ‘exclusive’, nothing to develop an attitude about. (now if one were to become a billionaire, that I can understand). Then I was told that it’s because I was single, i won’t understand.
Fast Forward 2012, now I am a married woman. I see a similar comment on another new bride’s Facebook page. I decided this time to engage the commenter on a discourse. Her point of view was so baffling that I had to save it on my phone and I never deleted it.
What the hell is a different level? Do married women grow three eyes? Do they develop super powers? (I wish they did though, would love to have the “eat whatever you like without gaining weight” superpower). What makes her think that ALL single ladies are jealous of their married friends. Sadly, it is a mentality shared by many Nigerians. Once a lady is approaching a certain age without getting married, tongues start to wag. One would think husbands are found in the market? It is a sad assumption the every single lady is looking to get married and every married lady is happy in her marriage.
Given the astronomical rate of divorce in Nigeria now (handled and witnessed a lot in my three years of practice), it is safe to say the single ladies status may no longer be the “worst” thing out there. There is now the divorced ladies ‘club’. They are more scorned than the single ladies. I vividly remember a married acquaintance of mine( i won’t call her a friend) who refused to hang out with her childhood best friend who is the process of a divorce, on the ground that she cannot be seen with her. Now i asked if she had developed leprosy. She replied that people may think that they were birds of the same feathers. I responded ‘Wow, divorce is now contagious?’ She said ‘Yes o'(I really hate it when people don’t get sarcasm, but i hate it more when people are incredibly stupid. #ogaatthetop.) Every day, women are wallowing in domestic abuse, emotional turmoil and are just plain unhappy , but in the name of remaining in the ‘most exclusive club’, they sit and suffer.
Now I am not saying that things don’t change when you are married. You have more responsibilities and you would like to hang out with other women who understand what you are going through. Likewise mothers, they would like to hang out with other mothers and have baby talk. BUT that doesn’t make you better than a single lady. That doesn’t put you in some exclusive club different from the yet to be married ones. That just makes you married.
So to all married ladies out there, your friend is your friend. Don’t discard them simply because they are not married yet.Life might make u drift apart. It is inevitable but do not deliberately do it over some misconceived notion of exclusivity. And to those posting those exclusive club nonsense, marriage is not a freaking sorority or billionaire club. Just say congrats and mooooveeee on. Thank you. As to all my single friends, don’t change when you get married yourself and start feeling like I have arrived. Yes you have arrived……to one of the toughest institutions in the world where you would have to work hard to preserve for the rest of your life. Happy arrivals.
so drop a line, do you agree with the above view or do you think that some people need to get a grip?