My good friend Tokunbo sent me a material last night about her 2 bosom friends who are currently married to each other. She was instrumental in their meeting and they have been married for 5 years. Presently, it seems that they are going through a very rough patch and have both separately complained to her
Ever since we got married, we don’t do anything anymore. No more outing or vacation, no more romantic surprises. Complains about money all the time but still finds money to get himself nice things. We have gotten to the stage of our marriage where everything is just routine. I believe he is so used to having me around that he just take me for granted. He doesn’t see me so I no longer bother to do the makeup I used to do anymore. What is the point?
Ever since we got married, my wife doesn’t take good care of herself. She doesn’t get her hair done. Her nails are so plain. When we were dating, she is a knock out. A bombshell. A diva. All my friends were jealous. I was so proud to show her off. Now she just has 2 kids and she is looking like a village woman. I am not attracted to that. My mum had 6 kids and she still looked good for my dad. Why do women like to think ‘I am married, I no longer have to look good’ simply because Nigerian men are unlikely to divorce them for that? In other countries, the situation would be much different.
I will try to address from the both angles. First Ekaette….
So Ekaette believes that akpos is currently experiencing what is referred to as “see finish’ (a Nigerian slang indicating that there is no longer any mystery or excitement about a person or thing and as a result, the need to treat the person in a special way is no longer necessary). In other quarters, it is known as the seven year itch (though reports have shown that it is now three years six months…..getting shorter…chei!)
I am no marriage expert. Marriage is a tough tough business. It is inevitable that after a while living together, couples tend to take each other for granted. It is an age long issue. My grouse is that why does it still happen? It makes no sense. You know that see finish is likely to cause problem in your marriage and make the other party resentful. The resentment doesn’t begin over night. It grows over a long period of time. You watch the movies. Yet both parties do nothing until it reaches an unbearable stage? Why?……… Maybe I am just looking at it from a simplistic point of view and lack of marital experience, but you put effort in your exams to get a A. So consciously putting effort in spicing up your marriage should be a no brainer. Right? Yeah, life can be so overwhelming. There is no marriage that doesn’t suffer. But that is no excuse for treating your wife as a piece of furniture and vice versa. Ladies, you want to be wined and dined as you were when you were dating, I get that. But realise this.(in my Judge Judy’s voice) Not Gonna Happen!!!! (I love judge Judy). Things change after marriage. It sucks but it happens. The key is finding time to wine and dine atleast one in a while.
Every woman knows that being married and having kids is no excuse to let yourself go. We may allow it happen, but we know it is no excuse. Yeah it is not easy to juggle the home, the husband, a job and kids but we have to do it. No one said marriage was fun and if they did, they lied to you(sorry)
When you let yourself go and u start dressing matronly in the house…..tying wrappers as many Nigerian women tend to do (why, I don’t get. I hate wrappers), do you honestly expect that he would want to take you out. Yeah, it is freaking stressful being a wife and mother but I think God engineered us to be able to multi-task. Is it unfair? Yes. Are too much expected from women? Yep. Do you have a choice? Nope.
This is a generation of extreme superficiality. Look at the Kardashians, Toddlers and Tiaras and the high rate of plastic surgery. Now I am not saying that you have to go to the extreme, but do your little bit. We are girls. We like to look good and your husband expects you to look good. It is stressful finding out time to take care of yourself, but always make out the time for you. The beauty of living in Nigeria which I miss greatly here is the ability to dump your kid off with your mother or your mother in-law and just have time to just chill. Make time for you. Forgo that saturday wedding and relax. Lie to those sunday visitors that you are not at home and relax. Cut whatever corner you need to and just RELAX.
When you find time to relax, you won’t feel frazzled. You would be in the mood to dress up again. When you feel good, you would want to look good. And when you look good, you definitely feel good.
Like I stated. I am no marriage expert, I can’t even pretend to be. I know it is easy to dole out advice and marriage are sometimes much more complicated than my simplistic solutions, but I believe Ekaette and Akpos’ situation is very salvageable. What do you guys think?