My Brothers Beat Up My Husband.

So I have been having a strange week. I was completely uninspired to blog, yet I spend all day in front of my laptop. I have not left the house in over a week. I got this mail 3 days ago and I have been staring at it for a while, thinking of the direction to take. Today, I snapped out of it…finally. Here is Kehinde’s dilemma.

Hello Mrs Hera Pereira,

Good morning. Stumbled upon your blog. I like the relationship advice you give. I am a newly married lady and I am having a crisis. Recently, my husband and I had a fight. I said some things. He said some things. He walked out of the room because he was really angry and I know he is not really a confrontational kind of guy. I followed him yelling as he went to the guest room. He slammed the door on my face. It was not intentional but it did give me a black eye. I made the mistake of going to my parent’s house and my elder brothers saw it. I have three brothers and I am the only girl. I am sort of a miracle baby and they really dote on me. Two of them stormed over to my place, without hearing what happened and despite pleadings from my parents, the eldest brother and myself. They really roughed up my husband and caused a huge scene. The police were called in and my brothers were arrested. The following morning, My father had called my husband to apologize and asked that he give the permission for their bail. My husband was obviously still furious and refused. Two hours later, he had calmed down and called my father back. He apologised for being rude earlier and said he was on his way to secure their bail. However, he had deeply offended my dad. My dad is an elderly yoruba man and respect is a big deal to him. And he never forgets.

That was a month ago. The dust has settled, but everything is ruined. My brothers wanted me to get a divorce. I refused. Why would they ask that of me? So, they are not speaking to me again. My dad didn’t speak of the incident, neither has he asked me to get a divorce, but he does not speak to or speak of my husband………not in my presence anyways. My mother and my eldest brother is the only one who has any sort of relationship with us, though it is strained. My husband, as far he is concerned, has apologised to the only family member that needed apologising, which was my dad. Everyone else, he doesn’t feel he owes them anything.

I don’t know what to do. I am so close to my family. This is so hard. Please advise.

Kehinde

Hello Kehinde. Thank you for reading. Let me start by saying that am completely COMPLETELY unqualified to give relationship advice. In fact, anyone that thinks I can AND listens to me, is going to live a long single life. So, I don’t give advice. What I do, or think I do, is analyse a situation from all angles and profer my own take on it. You may not like it, but you didn’t write to me because you wanted me to hold your hand, right?

Now to the matter at hand, I really don’t see any party at fault here except You darling. Every other person acted in the way that would be expected of them. You, on the other hand, lit up the firestorm. You were having an argument. Normal, expected. Arguments are essential part of marriages. However, he walked away. He could have kept yelling or he could have hit you in anger but he walked away. Do you know the amount of willpower it takes to walk away when you are furious. (trust me, I get furious all the time. I only walk away when the other party is bigger than me). YOU went after him. You say the door slam was not intentional, yet YOU went to your parent’s house. What did you think was going to happen? They are your family. Of course they are going to go over there and try to kick his ass. Hell, I am a girl and If I thought a guy touched my sisters, there are only two things involved, prison for him or prison for me for killing him. So you cannot fault your brothers.

As for your dad, yeah I get that he felt disrespected by his son-in-law. Who wouldn’t? Your husband knows what to do. Gather elderly people, buy some wine and kola (wrong tribe? ok……….. wine and kola is for asking for bride’s hand? dammit! Sorry, one of the many voices in my head)…. buy whatever your dad likes. Appease him. Stoke his ego….Rub his head or belly…..Old guys like that. Whatever he has to do, let him do. Apology over the phone would not cut it.

As for your brothers, it is not a big deal. You say you guys are close. They would come around eventually. They acted out, out of love for you and that love would not die just because of a disagreement. I can never understand when siblings who grew up together would grow to hate each other so much that they won’t speak for years. Don’t let that happen. Call them. Text them. Don’t grow cold on them because they are angry. They are family. There is nothing more important than family. Nothing. So keep them all, your husband, your siblings and your folks. It is a lot of work, but you are the thread that brought them together in the first place. You are the thread that would keep them together. One day, you all may look back on this and laugh…………….Ok, maybe you may not all laugh, but a cordial relationship can be established.

God, I do sound like a relationship advice columnist.

crying

So, dear readers, what do you think Kehinde can do to make things right?

18 Comments

  1. you hit the nail on the head cause I am the oldest brother of 2 sisters n I don’t allow anyone mess with my sisters
    she better get family members to beg her dad…and brothers for good measure

  2. Wow, this advice was very well thought of. I commend Kehinde for taking the bold step to seek advice on how to solve such a huge family issue (even thou she sought it from ‘unqualified’ Hera *lol*). That’s a good step and I believe you (kehinde) is equally strong enough to embark on what most be done. It all borders on stroking everyone’s ego. They all feel they did what was right and got served the wrong dish. Take your time and appease them all… Starting from your husband who needs to humble himself and walk with you thru this, dats marriage (I think)…

    • you think right. And I am really unqualified for all these relationship mails I receive. Why can’t someone send me a mail saying Hey, I am looking for a worthy cause to donate one million dollars too. I saw your blog and decided to send it. Eh heh, That! I will have plenty to say on

  3. D father doesn v any ryt to b angry joh,let him reverse roles his son bn beatn by hs inlaws,his sons. thy owe the hubby an apology,let thm beg!as fr u kenny learn nt to involv 3rd parties in ur marriage,u knew wat wuld happn buh yet u WENT hme,dy want her to divorce,ehhh immatuarity at d highest level,mtscheew,d story dey vex me boh,kenny apologise to ur family fr ds rift u v caused!

    • No vex na. lol. First of all, The father is an African man. He called his son in law to apologize on behalf of his sons. Thats a big deal for your father in law to do and for the husband to refuse and then call him to apologise, must mean the husband said some things that were really off. Babe, forget. If your sisters or your husband’ sisters came home with a black eye and said it was because of the husband. You won’t hear anything at that point o. You would react. It is one thing to have marital dispute. Its another to see physical injuries on your loved one. I cannot fault the brothers. I may do the same. As far as the divorce, i guess it is because he had them locked up. Obviously, that pissed them off. They are human after all and so is Kenny.

      • Ooooh buh e good fr thm to beat the husbnd bah,bone o I b woman I go react I no go lie,buh bf I go out go fool mysef I go ask my sister wetin happen if she is at fault I go tll d hubby mk e no try am again no mattr wat,buh if she dey right thn heavn will fall,if ur bro was beatn by hs wife bro u sef no go gree esp if he no wound am on purpose like d geh claimed.aftr d geh explained,d bro shld understnd abeg,e go pain d husbnd wella!oh well dts marriage fr u

  4. I’m guessing that the author of the last response knows nothing about Yoruba culture….trust me they are big on respect, seriously even people mere hours older than you can lord it over you
    talk less of a whole father to your wife…hmmmmm

  5. My first time here, (lazy browsing evening). I love your response to Kehinde. I won’t lie, I felt anger towards the brothers for jumping the gun- immature is the right word. Then they ask her to divorce him?!!!!! Yikes!

    This is a matter of male egos bruised on all fronts. Let Kehinde and her hubby go over and beg her father.

    The two brothers are obviously contentious because not only did they disrespect her husband by storming his house to assault him, (the mature thing would have been to hear his side of the story and give him a verbal warning) but they also disrespected and disregarded their parents and eldest brother who BEGGED them not to be hasty – haba!

    So my suggestion is as she is appeasing everyone, Kehinde needs to read through the entire book of Proverbs and learn about the foolish man vs. wise man. Then assume a “cordially distant” relationship with those two brothers at least until they gain some wisdom in how to intervene in marital affairs!

    And just in case Kehinde also has the same contentious trait in her…(I don’t know Oooo)…girl you gotta address it, take it to the Lord and kill it sharp sharp before it destroys your home.

    Pele dia, it’ll all work out.

  6. Hera, a lot has been said that’s good, beginning with your response. But there is something that keeps niggling at the back of my mind… “He slammed the door on my face. It was not intentional but it did give me a black eye.” How does slamming a door give you a black eye?… a broken nose maybe? I’m more concerned that hubby punched her & that’s a more serious issue… But we can only work with what we are told… maybe I shouldn’t take paracetamol for another’s headache…

    • I did wonder about that myself, but then I remembered back in school, a friend of mine walked into a wall. She had the worst swollen eye ever and didn’t go for classes until it went down. I have to assume it is possible. I think if her husband hit her, she would have said so. The outcome would have been the same, only now that we won’t be sympathetic towards the husband. I can only take what my writers send in at face value. Like you said, we can only work with what we are told. Thanks for reading.

  7. im also a girl with 3bros(though i honestly doubt dey would do dat) i beliv dt d only p waz dat ur hubby dint apologize proply 2 ur dad .bt all in all i think ur broz went 2 far & a divorce is complete immaturity. as 4 me i would giv me broz a gud browbeatin n coax my husbandin into apologizin

  8. Hi Mrs Pereira, A nice job you doing here! So many relationship i.e marriages are collapsing today bcos most women are so impatient and daring, Yes,the men are not perfect but we always like to push an argument till it degenerates,then your family sees your hubby like a clown(Is dat wat you want?),not knowing you pushed it. Thank God he didn’t beat you up. Please lets argue, but never hit a man and when he walks away don’t follow him.

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