So I have been having a strange week. I was completely uninspired to blog, yet I spend all day in front of my laptop. I have not left the house in over a week. I got this mail 3 days ago and I have been staring at it for a while, thinking of the direction to take. Today, I snapped out of it…finally. Here is Kehinde’s dilemma.
Hello Mrs Hera Pereira,
Good morning. Stumbled upon your blog. I like the relationship advice you give. I am a newly married lady and I am having a crisis. Recently, my husband and I had a fight. I said some things. He said some things. He walked out of the room because he was really angry and I know he is not really a confrontational kind of guy. I followed him yelling as he went to the guest room. He slammed the door on my face. It was not intentional but it did give me a black eye. I made the mistake of going to my parent’s house and my elder brothers saw it. I have three brothers and I am the only girl. I am sort of a miracle baby and they really dote on me. Two of them stormed over to my place, without hearing what happened and despite pleadings from my parents, the eldest brother and myself. They really roughed up my husband and caused a huge scene. The police were called in and my brothers were arrested. The following morning, My father had called my husband to apologize and asked that he give the permission for their bail. My husband was obviously still furious and refused. Two hours later, he had calmed down and called my father back. He apologised for being rude earlier and said he was on his way to secure their bail. However, he had deeply offended my dad. My dad is an elderly yoruba man and respect is a big deal to him. And he never forgets.
That was a month ago. The dust has settled, but everything is ruined. My brothers wanted me to get a divorce. I refused. Why would they ask that of me? So, they are not speaking to me again. My dad didn’t speak of the incident, neither has he asked me to get a divorce, but he does not speak to or speak of my husband………not in my presence anyways. My mother and my eldest brother is the only one who has any sort of relationship with us, though it is strained. My husband, as far he is concerned, has apologised to the only family member that needed apologising, which was my dad. Everyone else, he doesn’t feel he owes them anything.
I don’t know what to do. I am so close to my family. This is so hard. Please advise.
Hello Kehinde. Thank you for reading. Let me start by saying that am completely COMPLETELY unqualified to give relationship advice. In fact, anyone that thinks I can AND listens to me, is going to live a long single life. So, I don’t give advice. What I do, or think I do, is analyse a situation from all angles and profer my own take on it. You may not like it, but you didn’t write to me because you wanted me to hold your hand, right?
Now to the matter at hand, I really don’t see any party at fault here except You darling. Every other person acted in the way that would be expected of them. You, on the other hand, lit up the firestorm. You were having an argument. Normal, expected. Arguments are essential part of marriages. However, he walked away. He could have kept yelling or he could have hit you in anger but he walked away. Do you know the amount of willpower it takes to walk away when you are furious. (trust me, I get furious all the time. I only walk away when the other party is bigger than me). YOU went after him. You say the door slam was not intentional, yet YOU went to your parent’s house. What did you think was going to happen? They are your family. Of course they are going to go over there and try to kick his ass. Hell, I am a girl and If I thought a guy touched my sisters, there are only two things involved, prison for him or prison for me for killing him. So you cannot fault your brothers.
As for your dad, yeah I get that he felt disrespected by his son-in-law. Who wouldn’t? Your husband knows what to do. Gather elderly people, buy some wine and kola (wrong tribe? ok……….. wine and kola is for asking for bride’s hand? dammit! Sorry, one of the many voices in my head)…. buy whatever your dad likes. Appease him. Stoke his ego….Rub his head or belly…..Old guys like that. Whatever he has to do, let him do. Apology over the phone would not cut it.
As for your brothers, it is not a big deal. You say you guys are close. They would come around eventually. They acted out, out of love for you and that love would not die just because of a disagreement. I can never understand when siblings who grew up together would grow to hate each other so much that they won’t speak for years. Don’t let that happen. Call them. Text them. Don’t grow cold on them because they are angry. They are family. There is nothing more important than family. Nothing. So keep them all, your husband, your siblings and your folks. It is a lot of work, but you are the thread that brought them together in the first place. You are the thread that would keep them together. One day, you all may look back on this and laugh…………….Ok, maybe you may not all laugh, but a cordial relationship can be established.
God, I do sound like a relationship advice columnist.
So, dear readers, what do you think Kehinde can do to make things right?