I screwed up years ago, but Now I want my Redemption

Hello Hera

Saw in your ‘ABOUT’ that you were/are a lawyer. I am wondering if you could give me some advice. I know people are probably not going to be very sympathetic to my issue, but no one is perfect. So no one should judge me.

My story is similar to a Nigerian movie which I hate, but it happened. Back in the university in 1999, I met this girl. ‘Lolade’. She was eighteen at the time and a fresher. I was twenty-one and in 200 level. She came from an extremely sheltered background and knew next to nothing about men or relationship. We started dating. It was a good time for both of us. At a point, we started having sex. Now Lolade didn’t know anything about birth control, so I was in charge of making sure we were both safe. I know I slipped up a couple of times, but I believed I withdrew all the time.

A year and a half later, it was the summer holidays and I was at home. I don’t get to see her in the holidays because she lived quite far and that time, GSM were just taking off and I had not gotten a phone. One Sunday, She showed up at my house with her parents unannounced. My heart knew right away what she was here for. I knew that I was in serious trouble and my father was going to kill me. Like I feared, her dad told mine that their daughter was pregnant for me. I was called in and I did something I am still ashamed of today. I denied her . I threw a tantrum and made a scene basically calling her a liar and a whore. Lolade was silent and just kept looking at me. I avoided her gaze. Her parents were also silent. When I was done denying, her father simply said ‘Since your son said he is not responsible, we have nothing more to say.’ They left without another word. My parent drilled me that night trying to get me to confess. I kept lying and lying, that at one point, I began to believe it. I have no excuse for my actions. I was young. I was stupid. Lolade never came back to school. I assumed she aborted the baby. I never saw her again

2013. I am now married with a 7 month old baby girl. I am living well. I decided to stop by shoprite to pick a few things. I bump into this kid who is almost as tall as me. Now this boy was my carbon copy. Every single feature was exactly like mine, only he was more handsome and taller. I struck up a conversation with him. I was so impressed at his eloquence considering he said he was just 12. He had great teeth and I found myself wishing that one day my wife would have a boy who looked and spoke like him . Then, to my amazement, another boy joined him, also the splitting image of me. Identical twins. He introduced his brother as kehinde. He was Taiwo. Now Kehinde was more cautious with me and not as free as his brother. Then I heard a female voice call them. They waved and left. I turned to see who had called them and as you have probably guessed by now, it was her. it was Lolade. She did not see me and they left. I was motionless for a long time and then began to calculate the boys’ age to the period back in 2001. I realized then that this could very well be my kids.

Now I don’t know what to do or where to start? I can’t imagine that Lolade would forgive me. I really want the boys. I don’t know if they have a step father, but all I know is that I love them and I would like to help raise them financially and otherwise. I know they won’t be hard to find but I am not sure if what I am doing is right. I am afraid of the lives I will disrupt. Lolade’s; Her parents; My parents (who would be sorely disappointed); and my wife’s. I am thinking of going to court and asking for joint custody or something. Do Nigerian Law allow that? Am I being selfish? Am I forever going to be deprived of my kids because of a stupid decision I made years ago? Don’t the kids deserve a father who loves them? I intend to do whatever it takes to be in my kids’ lives. I intend to see a lawyer tomorrow to find my options.

Benny

Benny…Benny. When I first read your mail especially the joint custody part, (I will be as brutally honest as you have been) My honest to God first reaction was
funny-explosion

Then I calmed down and tried to think of it rationally. We all make mistakes. What you did in 2001 is not new. There are thousands of boys out there who deny fathering a child. The girls are the one left carrying the burden. You were selfish then and thought only of yourself. I suspect that you are being selfish now thinking only of yourself. Why? because your first reaction is to go to Court. Why should that be your first move? You have not even tried finding out how their lives are. You have not even considered going to beg her. You are considering going to court to ask for joint custody for a pregnancy you denied 13 years ago. Come on Benny! Come on!

Now, I don’t know you at all. I can only assume that you are being sincere. You know the right thing to do. Tell your wife. Go to your parents. Apologise and Beg them for the lies you told. They would be hurt. They would be disappointed. Eventually, they may come around and help you beg lolade’s parents. Thank God they were not rude to them in any way 13 years ago and were equally fooled too. You keep apologizing. You keep begging. They will not forgive you immediately, but with enough sincerity and time, they may allow you see the boys. Do not think Courts.

Dear Readers, that’s my own opinion. do you think going to court would help Benny? Do you think he deserves a chance with his kids? Drop a line.

14 Comments

  1. He got to speak with them already, he’s seen that they are doing okay. They have a mother that loves them dearly, and I’m sorry but never in my life would I allow a man back in my life if he denied that he in fact knocked me up.
    You have no right in their life. You lost that when you were selfish from the get go. Enjoy your newborn, and your wife. Don’t bring up all the terrible trauma, drama, mistakes, regrets, and old memories. Live on with your, life Benny. She should never forgive you.

    • Ouch that’s harsh. Of course he did not deny he screwed up. And his actions will stir a lot of old hurts, but surely he can be forgiven. Who is without sin……. I expect that they would make him grovel and give him only the littlest of access, but forgiveness is necessary for every party to heal, though I can understand how hard forgiveness will be.

      • How I see it, not every terrible screw up you do can be redeemed. I just think its far too selfish of him to ask that of her, demand to see them when at one point no matter when he denied they could’ve ever been his. Placing so much shame and guilt. He didn’t care when he was younger. They could be destroyed in the process of getting them back. Benny hasn’t heard the story she told them about their father, doesn’t know if she told them the truth or not. And what if she had? They’d want nothing to do with him. 12 years passed, and he had assumed she aborted her child. She took responsibility from the get go. I don’t think anyone running from responsibility should step up and cause that much heartache years later after I’m sure she’s tried to move on, and move past her biggest betrayal of her life.

  2. Wo!wen I read d story I cuss d guy o,thn I remembrd dt u dnt post insults,hw dare he cm frm no whr to wanto claim paternity,if u hadn’t run into thm wuld u v thot of thm,u r so callous just pray tht u dnt meet my typ as d judge,mtscheew!my friend wakE up ur ideas,thy r better off without u,dnt beg just go bac to ur life!rubbish

  3. I don’t think this guy is alright (am going to be harsh), my advise “go to %&##”…………….&@#% you to blazes, who do you think you are to just start a legal action like that, have you considered the trail of hurt you’all leave, the sour taste you’ll leave in your parents mouth………since you didn’t want the pregnancy then you shouldn’t have the kids now!

  4. I read the story with high level of surprise. Yet as a man, I fink I get where yu’r comn frm. However, yu may have been unwise to deny the pregnancy 13 yrs ago, buh the most unwise decision yu can make nw is to come clean n start a cascade of events dat cud possibly end yur present marriage n yu may stil end up nt gettn dose kids. Dude, yu saw dem lookn fresh in shoprite, so from all indications dey’r doin at least okay financially (dat excuse shudnt cum up). As for on emotional grounds, don’t even try to find out aw dey r doing cos dey are nt yur biz (anymore). I bet Lolade must hav moved on too, so jst burn your curiousity n enjoy yur present family with yur new infant.
    At the end of the day, we can only talk, a man wud always pursue wat he has in mind. Sha kip us posted on devevlopments, yours would ba story worth following.
    Dr Que

  5. When I read this story, my first response was similar to yours hera. I like how you are candid and give your advice straight and to the point. He hurt their mother and if I was her, I wouldn’t want him anywhere near them. The thing is, it is up to the boys whether they want a relationship with their father. If they find out in future that he contacted their mother and she refused to tell them, it may backfire on her. My advice may seem rational but I know that if this happened to me, he would not see, hear or smell them.

    If he tries the court thing, he might as well be literally pushing them away. He has not been in their lives for all this time and he thinks that a court would grant him joint custody like that.

  6. Please someone should tell the guy not to even bother! he has seen them already & he knows they are doing fine! let him not even look for trouble (cause a whole boat load of trouble…13 years worth is waiting for him from the twins grandparents & their mother) especially as he denied them! he had the opportunity to do the right thing a long time ago…too late now
    but wait…if he hadn’t seen them or they were disabled….would he be having a change of heart?
    he should not give the rest of us guys a bad name o!

    • The deed has been done, let him just go and meet her, I mean the mother of the kids.

      4 all we may know, somewhere somehow, she would still pray 4 him in her heart, from seeing those boys, she would always remember him…they even look like him.
      I wish he wasn’t married…I truly wish cos am sure she is single too and has dedicated her life 2 their well being.

      Mr man, pls do this with ur knees on d floor, carry ur folks and family….Ʊ should 1st beg your parents, beg ur wife n look 4 her….the boys should be the last Ʊ will try telling who Ʊ r too..

      God be with you.

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