I need to tell my Best friend that I slept with her fiance. She deserves to Know.

Hello everyone, happy new month. It is a beautiful day. I had a zombie nightmare last night. Luckily for me, I had a gun that actually worked. I fired the gun and blew up the zombie’s head (hurray). However, in typical nightmarish style, the Zombie didn’t die and kept coming. I remember thinking “*&^% this. That’s cheating”. Then I woke up and I smiled. Usually you wake up from Nightmares when you are about to die. I woke up because my rational head interfered with dream world. So I win.

Aha, that’s enough rambling for today. I got a mail from a Ghanaian. Usually, most of my mails come from Nigeria, but now I got one from Ghana. Pretty cool right? Kawula(hello). Thanks for reading. Thanks for sharing your story. I will be brutally honest with you, but I am glad you wrote to me (In other news, we kicked your butt during the Nations Cup, ha ha ha). Ok. Serious. Here is Louisa’s story.

Hello Hera,

Hello. I hope you can help me with my dilemma. I know a lot of people are likely to judge me, but as they judge, I hope that they can give me real solid advice as well because I really can’t tell anyone else.

I have a good friend. For the purpose of this write-up, I changed our names and our schools. I am sure you understand. Nana and I have been very good friends for 7 years. Nana is very pretty and gets all the attention. I am quite dark and ordinary looking. I have spent a good part of my life in Nana’s shadow, but that has never really bothered me. Nana is a nice girl. Yeah, she did a lot of things that hurt my feelings and have taken away the attentions of guys that I admired, but I know she never did any of that intentionally. She is not that type. I guess it is just one of the things that comes with having a very hot friend.

In the last three years, Nana began to date a guy, Kwame. Kwame was a very good-looking guy. He had a good job and a good house and seemed really nice. I admit. I was always attracted to him. All they seemed to do was fight and fight. I didn’t understand why they remained together, when all they did was fight. Then Nana got admission into University of Education in Winneba and left Accra. Before she left, they had gotten into a huge fight and broke up. Kwame began to pay attention to me. He would take me out to wonderful locations, talk to me about school, admission and plans for my future. Generally, he made me feel special and wanted. I have never had that feeling before. We started having sex at one point. He was my first. Honestly, do I think of Nana? Not really. I figured in school, she would have met someone else already. she is not the type to be single for long. I rationalized the situation that since they were always fighting, she was not mature enough for him. When he was with me, we got along well.

Three months into our ‘relationship’, I got admission in Kumasi and left as well. I was so heartbroken to leave but felt even worse when he broke off all contact after I left. I could not reach him on his phone. He barred me from Facebook. I felt used, but eventually got over it. Life goes on. I came home this summer for the holiday and met up with Nana. She was so excited. She said that Kwame had proposed to her. I was in disbelief. She went on to say that breaking up with him was the best thing for the relationship. Every since she left, he called her everyday, begging her to come back to him. At a point, she just had to say Yes. The wedding was in three months and she was going to transfer to a university in Accra. while, she was talking, all I kept thinking
He was sleeping with me, when he was begging her to come back
I want to tell her what happened. Not solely out of vengeance, though Vengeance plays a small role. She deserves to know the kind of guy she is marrying, doesn’t she? The next time they fight, won’t he sleep with her cousin or her sister? Yes, I am not innocent in the matter. I should not have slept with my friend’s ex, but now we are talking about the REST of her life. I think she deserves to know. Then she can make her own decision whether to go ahead or not. I know she won’t forgive me, though I hope she does, but I believe she deserves to know.

What are your thoughts?

Louisa

Hmmm…………again another tale that has far-reaching consequences. I have been pondering on your story for a while, so much so that I consulted a few girlfriends for their opinion. Their opinions were that you should not tell. Don’t ruin her life and all that. I cannot agree with them. There is a big difference between a broken relationship and a broken marriage. A huge difference. You have not been a good friend. You know that. You realize that you stand to lose if you tell. If she forgives him, you are gone from her life. If she doesn’t forgive him, you are still likely gone from her life. I have to disagree with my friends’ beliefs about a man being a man and putting all the blame on you. Makes me sad partly as a feminist and partly because I know we(women) are our own worst enemies. That’s a topic for another day.

My opinion would be that you tell. It is not a pleasant thing and no one will be happy, but I have to agree that she deserves to know. A guy who can cheat on you with your friend because he is angry with you, will not stop even after marriage. It swings both ways. If It was a man involved, he still deserves to know. So if she is going to go ahead and marry, she does deserve to have all the facts. That way, whatever decision she makes will be without any lies. I pity her though. Betrayal from two people she loves, is not something one wants to hear. I know the argument that they were broken up, but many people have a huge problem with friends dating a friend’s ex…

Do not act on my own opinion just yet though. I am sure my readers would have plenty to say about this issue. So tune in, read what they have to say and let me know your final decision before you act on it. Dear Readers, to tell or not to tell

20 Comments

  1. Louisa, you should go ahead and tell Nana all that happened. i do not blame you at all, infact i dont see anything wrong in what you did.because he was an EX then, (Just that you were too much in a haste to jump into his arms, because of the attention you were getting.) and if they were broken up, both parties would probably date other people, which happened. but its just that the Guy was one insensitive guy, who was obviously using you, though you were in love with him.
    So girlfriend, tell your friend. let her know Kwame is the man she might want to spend the rest of her life with. Marrying him would be giving him a licence to sleep with others, and then he will ask for reconciliation after having his fill.
    And Louisa, please develop some self worth! Beauty does not define you. and frankly beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. beauty fades with time. let your beauty come from the inside of you. learn to place great value on your self, and carry yourself with dignity. ive seen very handsome men go for ladies that you are bound to wonder what exactly they have seen in such women.
    one more thing, telling your friend might sever your friendship. so prepare for the worst. but know that she will get to know surely one day. so its better she knows before the wedding, so she can make her decisions.

  2. Tell. I completely agree with you Hera, she may absolutely lose her friend, its highly unlikely they can remain friends, that’s a fat betrayal no matter where you come from. Betrayal is the hardest to forgive. But, its worth a shot, if she can come forward, and tell nana, she’ll know the kind of man she thinks she loves. And though its something we don’t want to hear, its something I’d be devastated to find out later, it’d destroy me to find out I married someone and to hear this kind of situation had occurred and I’ve been married for years. It’d crumble her up, and he sounds like he may change, may be worse than described, could get worse since he’s good at lying and betraying. He may very well go against her in later years.
    I highly recommend she tell Nana. And face her consequences head on even though it’ll be one of the hardest conversations to have. Ever.

  3. Hmmmmmmm,I am goin to try to be nyce,n nt cll u d names I v in my mind Lucy! Frm d begining u didn like d fact u were in her shadow n tke it or nt,bitterness crept in,frm wat I read u schemed on him,if u r a true friend u wuld v told her d moment she told u dt thy were gettn married!,u prob threw ursef at him n off crse bn a man,he had hs share,u shld b ashamed goin aftr ur Friend left overs,mtscheew!my adv kp ur mouth shut n pray fr ur own to cme

    • Wow. Priscilla. When I say we women are our own worst enemies, you prove it. With no evidence, you presume she threw herself at hi and then excuse the man’s behavior by saying he did as a man would have done. The fact that he seduced her is not probable. it must be her fault abi. Then you tell her to shut up and allow the friend marry the guy who was begging Nana to come back and cheating with Louisa. Woah. We remain our own worse enemy. What did she write that suggests a scheme now?

    • If a guy was to woo you, make you feel special, take your virginity and then dump you without a word and go on to return to your friend, you wont feel bitter abi. That you excuse the guy’s behavior is appalling really. You think Nana will never find out ever. You think in the three months they dated, someone didn’t see them together. You think Nana will feel better finding out from another source. Or do you just see marriage as an end all?

      • Oh puleeez hera,y wuld she go date the guy wen she knew he dated her ex,u r bn 1 sided,u just concluded dt he seducd her!did u hear frm d guy,am srry I see thns diff,I sensed jealousy n bitterness,had she told her immediatly I dnt think I wuld feel. Ds way!her motives r nt pure

      • Why would the guy go and date the best friend of his ex? she made no secret that she has always liked him. She said he made her feel special. Of course she knew her friend wont like it. That doesn’t make her a bad person. it makes her human. Anyone who has lived their life in d shadow will jump at the chance to be the center of attention. He who is without sin should cast the first stone. won’t you be bitter in her shoes? Loiusa is not a complete victim but it doesn’t change the fact that now Nana is back with Kwame she deserves the truth. And I am not been one sided You are the one ready to demonise her and saying nothing about Kwame, Nana’s boyfriend of three years

      • Wen d guy was wooing her whr was her senses?culdn she think dt mayb d way d guy treatd nana he wuld treat her like dt too,abi u dnt finD it funny,I ve had a similar experince,I took a friend to my bf house,and he made a mov on her,immediatly she told me,she didn wait fr us to get to schl,we r still friends till today I droppd d foolish boy!lucy messed up by datn d boy,nw dt she is dumped she is feeln scorned,

  4. Personally sleeping with a friends ex is like breaking a girls code or something but that guy sure do have to nerve…………I blame both of you(guy and girl) anyways what’s done is done,I feel you should let your friend know what went down although after that there is 50% chance you no longer her friend and she will bad mouth you forever but its still the best thing to do free your mind and don’t have that cloud hanging over your head its a terrible burden to bear

  5. I think she should just tell her friend the truth. I don’t presume to judge anyone – we all are flawed. Only God redeems. But for peace of mind and moving on, she should just come clean to her friend.

    My 50kobo.

  6. Pingback: Girls are Hyenas. No such thing as a Girl Code | Hera Pereira

  7. WOMEN we ar indeed our own worst enemy……loiusa dear u might av made a wrong move by nt tellin ur frnd 4rm d 1st day her ex started givin u attentions b4 jumpin on his bed,dnt get me wrong am nt blamin u 4 sleepin wit ur frnd ex,we all mak mistaks & who says u cnt date or sleep wit ur frnds ex? my dear anoda man’s ex is anoda man’s Prince or Princess ok.My take is tell ur frnd d whole truth jst 2 clear ursef b4 she finds out 4rm sum1 else 4 it nt 2 really seem lik u betrayed her & dnt listen 2 people lik priscilla,we no dere type.lol. Thumbs up Hera.

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