Getting Married for all the wrong reasons. I don’t feel butterflies.

I received this mail from a reader last month. Though I was unable to post it, I did respond to her. This is her story.

Dear Hera,

Hi, Hello. I just started reading your blog. I have to say that the post about that exclusive club poo is my favourite. Maybe because I can relate. I am getting married in 3 months and honest to God, I feel nothing for my fiancé. He is a great guy. He is good to me, friendly, rich and doesn’t mind that I am thirty-three years old, but I feel nothing other than friendship for him. There is no butterflies in my stomach when I see or think of him. I really don’t know why I let it get this far. It has been 4 years since anyone has shown any serious interest in settling down with me and my mother has already started to make me feel really uncomfortable. When he approached me, I said yes hoping the feelings would grow. When he asked me to marry him, I must confess the only thought in my head was ‘Yes!!! Finally!!’. Now with the wedding date drawing closer and my feelings not growing, I am scared. I had discussed with my aunty and a close friend. My aunty dismissed it as cold feet, while my friend told me not to be stupid and not to discuss this with anyone else ever again. We are planning this big extravagant wedding and I feel like such a fraud. How can I call it off at this stage? Do I even want to call it off? The thought of the shame is pushing me to go ahead with it? what do you advise?

(Before posting, I sent a mail to Susan asking if the wedding was still on and She responded in the affirmative)

My response
Wow Susan, your matter get as e be. It is very easy for me to say marriage is not something to settle for. It is very easy for me to say that it better to answer 33 and single, than to answer 35 and divorced. I can give you a whole long lecture on why you should not go ahead with the marriage. However, I am not in your shoes. I do not know where it pinches, but I do understand the emotions you are going through. In a society like ours, being over 30 and not married carries a lot of stigma. I can only imagine how your people would feel if you were to call off the marriage. I can imagine the scorn and gossip that you would suffer. I can imagine people assuming that something must be wrong with you to cancel a wedding at this stage. HOWEVER, unless these people are going to come and leave you with in your marital home, I suggest u put them in a giant tea-spoon and set them adrift in the Atlantic ocean….. Now where to find a giant spoon………..

As for the whole butterflies in stomach bit. Come on! You don’t determine love by some yeye butterflies. Hell! Romance novels are the cause of many girls’ illusion about love. I was never a big fan of the books but my grand illusion came from Indian movies. I always imagined having a guy willing to follow me around singing about his undying love for me and beating up 100 bad guys like Superman for me. Though I still love the romantic Hindi movies, as I grew up, the cynical side of me has realized that their action is really just stalking and forcefully touching the girls who are yet to like them without permission. Romantic novels really just created a false sense of what love truly is.

romantic novelsromantic novels2

Now I am not assuming you love him, but I sincerely hope you are not basing your idea of love on butterflies. Because sometimes love is subtle. You say he is a great guy and because of no butterflies, you don’t wish to be with him. You are no starry-eyed teenager. You are old enough to know love….I think. If you are absolutely sure that you don’t wish to be with him, then for HIS sake, let him find someone who wants him. You are thinking solely of yourself and not about him or his happiness. It is unfair to him to be in a marriage with a woman that doesn’t love him.

So dear readers, what do you think of her situation? Personally, I fear she would go through with the wedding and I don’t think she should. Perhaps you all can give better and more experienced advice than I can.

7 Comments Add yours

  1. priscilla says:

    Thrs nothn like butterflies in d tummy(lol). Love grows over tyme,Marry him buh just kp Prayn cus I think dt will b d height of wickedness if u tll him nw,aftr he has spent money planning on d wedding!

    1. herapereira says:

      Is it fair to the guy that he marries a woman that doesn’t love him?? Marriage no be manage oooo

      1. priscilla says:

        In d olden days durn d tym of our granparents thy never gt to pick thr partners,thy were arranged fr thm and thy grew to Love thmselves and ths typs of marrIages lasted longer compared to ours! I jus daze say person fit pretend ds long,I strongly wanto blv thr mst v bn affectn along d line and she didn realize it.

  2. Adams says:

    Hi Susan,

    My understanding of your situation is that you have never tried to know the guy instead, you are only concerned about getting over your personal challenges; that is where you are getting it wrong. Remember, a mistake at marriage is a mistake of life because your name would carry an attachment after that. ‘Mrs’ is the best. All others will be negative.

    My advice is for you to get to know him but how are you expectedto achieve that? below are my normal recommendations for those that have requested my advice.

    1. Sort the things you don’t like about him, those are your challenges.
    (Definitely there is something that brought you together)

    2. How much of those do you feel you can change during your togetherness?

    3. How much of those you can’t change can you tollerate?

    The determinant is how you go about No. 2 above as a matured mind. The butterflies will grow naturally during that process or …….

    Good luck to you!

    1. herapereira says:

      Thank you for the sound advice Sir. From my correspondences with her, she could not pick a bad habit of his that was intolerable. It simply boiled down to the fact that she has no affection for him. Now with less than 2 months to the wedding, does she really have the opportunity to get to know him better now?

  3. suleyat shola says:

    Hi Susan,
    Marriage is an everlasting union filled with so much love and i see d word love missing on your own part. U should know what u really want for yourself. u deserve 2 be happy and since your happiness is not with dis guy then while don’t u let him go n find happiness too. Don’t go into marriage just because u want 2 be free 4rm your mum troubles and your age. Be bold enough 2 end dis while u still have d chance 2 do so as not 2 regret ever going into marriage. Always remember dis that a broken Engagement is better than a broken marriage. I Wish u all the best.

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