I received this mail from a reader last month. Though I was unable to post it, I did respond to her. This is her story.
Hi, Hello. I just started reading your blog. I have to say that the post about that exclusive club poo is my favourite. Maybe because I can relate. I am getting married in 3 months and honest to God, I feel nothing for my fiancé. He is a great guy. He is good to me, friendly, rich and doesn’t mind that I am thirty-three years old, but I feel nothing other than friendship for him. There is no butterflies in my stomach when I see or think of him. I really don’t know why I let it get this far. It has been 4 years since anyone has shown any serious interest in settling down with me and my mother has already started to make me feel really uncomfortable. When he approached me, I said yes hoping the feelings would grow. When he asked me to marry him, I must confess the only thought in my head was ‘Yes!!! Finally!!’. Now with the wedding date drawing closer and my feelings not growing, I am scared. I had discussed with my aunty and a close friend. My aunty dismissed it as cold feet, while my friend told me not to be stupid and not to discuss this with anyone else ever again. We are planning this big extravagant wedding and I feel like such a fraud. How can I call it off at this stage? Do I even want to call it off? The thought of the shame is pushing me to go ahead with it? what do you advise?
(Before posting, I sent a mail to Susan asking if the wedding was still on and She responded in the affirmative)
Wow Susan, your matter get as e be. It is very easy for me to say marriage is not something to settle for. It is very easy for me to say that it better to answer 33 and single, than to answer 35 and divorced. I can give you a whole long lecture on why you should not go ahead with the marriage. However, I am not in your shoes. I do not know where it pinches, but I do understand the emotions you are going through. In a society like ours, being over 30 and not married carries a lot of stigma. I can only imagine how your people would feel if you were to call off the marriage. I can imagine the scorn and gossip that you would suffer. I can imagine people assuming that something must be wrong with you to cancel a wedding at this stage. HOWEVER, unless these people are going to come and leave you with in your marital home, I suggest u put them in a giant tea-spoon and set them adrift in the Atlantic ocean….. Now where to find a giant spoon………..
As for the whole butterflies in stomach bit. Come on! You don’t determine love by some yeye butterflies. Hell! Romance novels are the cause of many girls’ illusion about love. I was never a big fan of the books but my grand illusion came from Indian movies. I always imagined having a guy willing to follow me around singing about his undying love for me and beating up 100 bad guys like Superman for me. Though I still love the romantic Hindi movies, as I grew up, the cynical side of me has realized that their action is really just stalking and forcefully touching the girls who are yet to like them without permission. Romantic novels really just created a false sense of what love truly is.
Now I am not assuming you love him, but I sincerely hope you are not basing your idea of love on butterflies. Because sometimes love is subtle. You say he is a great guy and because of no butterflies, you don’t wish to be with him. You are no starry-eyed teenager. You are old enough to know love….I think. If you are absolutely sure that you don’t wish to be with him, then for HIS sake, let him find someone who wants him. You are thinking solely of yourself and not about him or his happiness. It is unfair to him to be in a marriage with a woman that doesn’t love him.
So dear readers, what do you think of her situation? Personally, I fear she would go through with the wedding and I don’t think she should. Perhaps you all can give better and more experienced advice than I can.