The Trials of Fatimah- the struggles of an orobo Part 6

Sorry, I had to pause the story for a while. Some wise guy was posting my story on his blog under the title “The fat diaries of kike’ (not a bad title). So I patiently put it on hold so and I cheerfully waited to see what he would post next. His readers were on his case anxiously awaiting the next episode. I kept commenting asking for the next episode on every single article he posted (I think i have a slightly sadistic side. hehehe). Anyways, I am bored with that now, so i am going to continue. I realise it is hard to control content on the web, so i am not going to make a big deal about it………..yet) Meanwhile 99th Posts. HUrrraaayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Continue reading

The bridesmaid specialist is now the bride

Hello people. Remember I posted an article a lifetime ago about how my sister was always asked to be a bridesmaid and I never was…..almost never was. read that HERE . I am excited to announce that the bridesmaid specialist is now the bride.. hurray. This weekend, a wise wise young guy took another of the Idrisu girl as a wife. (We Idrisu girls are very special with a heart of gold…. though I like to think that mine is more of titanium mixed with a little platinum with just a hint of………..what was I again?)

Ahaaa the wedding….Thanks to our relocation which was very timely, I was able to attend the ceremony. Considering how vain I am, I was determined to look fabulous to all the aunties and uncles who had not seen me in years. I have worked relatively hard all year to lose the baby weight and I was a few kg shy of my ultimate goal but alas! I try if I do say so myself. Continue reading

Continuing the circle of domestic violence

A friend of mine contacted me last week asking for information as how to obtain a divorce in Nigeria. I have not practiced in over 2 years but I dealt with a lot of divorce matters in my time. I was able to tell her what she needed and directed her to a lawyer. I was very curious but I knew I couldn’t ask. This young lady got married last year and just had a kid five weeks ago, so I was praying it was not for her. I forgot about it until yesterday when she contacted me again asking for more details, specifically grounds for divorce. At this point, I had to ask if she was ok. She replied that she was not. She then went into the sad but familiar story of domestic violence. Her husband had been using her as a punching bag for months now and she had endured it, according to her, for the sake of the pregnancy (which made little sense to me, because her being pregnant even puts her at more risk, but to each his own). She said one month after her caesarean, he beat her up again in the presence of his mother and she knew she could not deal with it any longer.

I asked her where she was and she said she was at her aunt’s home with the baby. Bewildered, I enquired why she was not with her parents and this was her response (I have her permission to quote her verbatim. I removed all my questions to her for easy reading) Continue reading

He is attracted to his wife’s best friend. Should he tell his wife?

Hello everyone. I stumbled upon the post on Nairaland, Nigeria’s number one public forum and my favorite pastime. This poster was having a problem and decided to ask for advice from the forum.

Really I don’t know how to start this or how it all began, don’t get me wrong I love my wife and still do and would never want to do anything to hurt her(i hope because am really scared now).
we have been married for 8 years now with two kids to show for it, her friend whom we have all come to take as a family friend has always been part of our lives but of recent since last year I have found out i am getting so attracted to her(actually I used to like her before she became friends with my wife in my bachelor days but I never told my wife this).
To be frank when I started dating my wife I decided to take her friend as a sister, with time she and my wife became best of friends, and she has always been helpful to our family and kids.
But since last year I have been having this burning desire for her (I don’t know why)maybe because she has become more beautiful over the years, and to make matters worse she is always in our house to see us and spend time with us, these days I look for excuses to leave the house whenever she is around cause I find myself stealing looks at, I don’t look at her as a sister anymore but as someone I want to sleep with and the desire is burning so much and I don’t like it one bit. please what is happening to me?

Now as usual, everyone rallied to give their advice and opinion in the most humorous way possible. Some entered into a side argument as to who has a higher libido, men or women. Then some began to advise the guy to tell his wife so she has limit the friend’s visit. I considered it the WORST idea ever!! ( I can just imagine my hubby coming to tell me he is sexually attracted to my friend………I will be listening and nodding my head while silently reaching for a bottle to break his head with). Now some people agreed with me stating that there is NO possible way to say it to the wife. The proponent of the idea then painted a scenario.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: Fearing the worst… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife: Obviously now frantic… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Woman: Yes. And?

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything that would jeopardize our marriage, much less my love for you. I would rather she stops visiting us altogether.

Wife: (Exhales deeply with relief and sends out a silent prayer of thanks)… Gosh, is that it? Lol! You got me scared! Yes, if that’s how you feel, I understand. Don’t worry, it’s all in hand baby.

Wifey nudges closer to hubby and kisses him tenderly…hubby responds with fervor and they both clasp each other in the wake of their rising passion…

***Curtains drawn!***

sarcasm smiley

Now the original poster, for some reason, considered this a fantastic idea and was considering trying it. Then another poster wrote a more realistic scenario that had me bursting into hysterics at 4.00 a.m in the morning and jealous with envy that I didn’t come up with it first.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: (Fearing the worst)… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife:( Obviously now frantic)… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Wife: Yes. And? Wait…Have you gotten the maid pregnant?!?

Man: What? No!

Wife: Well then what is it? Spit it out!

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything ….

Wife: Anything like what? Anything like what?! What have you and Ann been up to??

Man: N…Nothing! I’m just trying to say I’m not comfortable with her and I don’t want to be tempted to do anything that would jeopardize our marriage…

Woman (Pauses and looks at man)..: OMG! YOu are attracted to Ann? You no-good azz modaf$*er! My BEST Friend? Have you no shame?! You &&(%(unprintable)%(##@!~!! Asshol@! No wonder you were eying her that day we were playing scrabble! Did you let her win on purpose?? Well did you?!

Man: Please calm down. It’s not like I’ve done anything yet…

Woman: Ooooooh! You want me to wait till you do something? How can I ever trust you? In fact am gonna call ann up right now and give her a piece of my mind, that two timing, bicch=-azz %*%$*$!!!

Wife continues in destructo mode and husband wishes he had never taken advise from nairaland…

***Curtains drawn!***
So which scenario is more likely? Should he tell his wifey? Drop a comment below

The title “Mrs”

Nigerians are obsessed with marriage. It is an unescapable and undeniable fact. As soon as a girl finishes the university(some even before), the questioning begins “Do you have a serious boyfriend?” Why will u bring home a man for us?” As she gets older, relatives start to broach the subject as well. As she nears her 30s, it is a ‘free for all’ From aunties to distant cousins to the mallam selling chewing gum down the road. They all begin to ask “you no go marry. Your mates don born finish”

In April and August, I have published two contrasting experiences. One was aptly titled “Single shaming”, the story of Felicia(not real name) whose siblings and friends have all gotten married. (You can read it again HERE) She felt ostracized by her best friends who didn’t invite her for their reunion and alienated by her married younger sisters. I got in contact with the now 33-year-old Felicia a few weeks ago. As much as I would have to be delivering a happily ever after story right now for Felicia, her fairy tale is still in the works. She is currently dating though. She is with a 42 year divorcee with 2 kids. It raised some red flags with me. Now I have nothing against divorcees. I have handled a lot of divorce cases in my time and I do realize being divorced doesn’t necessarily mean the party has a bad character. Sometimes people are not meant to be. HOWEVER, sometimes the divorce could be due to the character of the divorcee. I was concerned as to whether she had let the pressure get to her and is settling or genuinely ready to be with the man and become an instant mother. She assured me she was. Looking forward to the wedding bells in the future.

My next writer had no qualms about admitting she was settling. In August, Susan wrote in stating that she was about to have this huge extravagant wedding with an amazing man who loved her. The catch was she didn’t love him. Not even a little bit.(or so she says. She was waiting to feel butterflies) Her main consideration was her age. (You can also read that HERE ). Some readers advised her not to go through it. Others told her the love would grow. She went through it and even posted all the pictures on Facebook. It was truly an extravagant wedding. Yesterday, I got into a chat with her and asked if the butterflies has arrived. She ‘lol’ed and said no, but she was comfortable. Comfortable…… Not happy…. Comfortable.

Now I am not trying to poke holes in these ladies’ lives, neither am I trying to criticize their choices. I understand all too well the intense pressure of being an unmarried girl in her thirties in a country like Nigeria. A lot of hype is attached to being a ‘Mrs’ over the general happiness of the girl in question. Marriage is one of the hardest thing in the world to handle, and it takes the constant effort to make it work. So it’s not about being a ‘Mrs’ but staying a ‘Mrs’ while keeping your dignity and sanity.

My Judgmental Friend ruined one of the best Moments of my Life

Hello everyone. So the The dogs of Al Burhama are back again and even more organized. As I was preparing breakfast for my boss, I noticed another boss(dog) accompanied by two other smaller dogs. They were racing towards something, barking ferociously. Their target turned out to be two other dogs behind a net fence. Obviously the dogs could not get at each other and just kept on barking. For some reason ‘Westside Story’ came to mind. These dogs are the rival gangs and there are probably some poodles on both sides, in a doomed love affair. I strained to see if there were any dogs brooding close by, not involved in the confrontation. I couldn’t see any.(Perhaps this is just Scene one). Will keep an eye out for Scene two. (the height of joblessness)

crazy dogs

Rambling done. I received a mail two days ago. It was an online conversation between two girls that used to be close friends in school.

(Conversation is as is, except for the name changes and the removal of smileys)
Grace- I just had a baby!
Helen- Wait! What??
Grace- lol
Helen- Babe, you didn’t even invite me to the wedding.
Helen- Hello???
Grace- Babes, I am not married
Helen- Excuse me????
Grace- It is complicated
Helen- What nonsense is this? Were you raped? If na play, stop am
Grace- Nonsense. Are you calling my baby nonsense. Rape? God forbid!
Helen- This is absolutely nonsense. You are telling me that you have a baby and you are not married. What is wrong with you? You that used to be a senior member in fellowship back in school. You that used to stand on the podium and preach to the girls to abstain from sex. You can now open your mouth to not only tell me that you are having sex while not married but that you have a baby too. I am bitterly disappointed in you.
Grace- What is all this na? As my close friend, I expect you to be supportive at least. I don’t need this condemnation from you. What are you ruining the moment?
Helen- You are a single mother. You want me to support that? Babe, we only became friends because we had similar principles about life, sex and marriage. You started all this. You didn’t tell me at all for 9 months and you expect support.
Grace- This is why I didn’t tell you. You are so judgmental
Helen You for no bother tell me at all ooo! Don’t you feel shame??
Grace- What? Go to hell jare!!! Good bye

Grace sent in this conversation with a single message. Why are people so judgmental??.

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Getting Married for all the wrong reasons. I don’t feel butterflies.

I received this mail from a reader last month. Though I was unable to post it, I did respond to her. This is her story.

Dear Hera,

Hi, Hello. I just started reading your blog. I have to say that the post about that exclusive club poo is my favourite. Maybe because I can relate. I am getting married in 3 months and honest to God, I feel nothing for my fiancé. He is a great guy. He is good to me, friendly, rich and doesn’t mind that I am thirty-three years old, but I feel nothing other than friendship for him. There is no butterflies in my stomach when I see or think of him. I really don’t know why I let it get this far. It has been 4 years since anyone has shown any serious interest in settling down with me and my mother has already started to make me feel really uncomfortable. When he approached me, I said yes hoping the feelings would grow. When he asked me to marry him, I must confess the only thought in my head was ‘Yes!!! Finally!!’. Now with the wedding date drawing closer and my feelings not growing, I am scared. I had discussed with my aunty and a close friend. My aunty dismissed it as cold feet, while my friend told me not to be stupid and not to discuss this with anyone else ever again. We are planning this big extravagant wedding and I feel like such a fraud. How can I call it off at this stage? Do I even want to call it off? The thought of the shame is pushing me to go ahead with it? what do you advise?

(Before posting, I sent a mail to Susan asking if the wedding was still on and She responded in the affirmative)

My response
Wow Susan, your matter get as e be. It is very easy for me to say marriage is not something to settle for. It is very easy for me to say that it better to answer 33 and single, than to answer 35 and divorced. I can give you a whole long lecture on why you should not go ahead with the marriage. However, I am not in your shoes. I do not know where it pinches, but I do understand the emotions you are going through. In a society like ours, being over 30 and not married carries a lot of stigma. I can only imagine how your people would feel if you were to call off the marriage. I can imagine the scorn and gossip that you would suffer. I can imagine people assuming that something must be wrong with you to cancel a wedding at this stage. HOWEVER, unless these people are going to come and leave you with in your marital home, I suggest u put them in a giant tea-spoon and set them adrift in the Atlantic ocean….. Now where to find a giant spoon………..

As for the whole butterflies in stomach bit. Come on! You don’t determine love by some yeye butterflies. Hell! Romance novels are the cause of many girls’ illusion about love. I was never a big fan of the books but my grand illusion came from Indian movies. I always imagined having a guy willing to follow me around singing about his undying love for me and beating up 100 bad guys like Superman for me. Though I still love the romantic Hindi movies, as I grew up, the cynical side of me has realized that their action is really just stalking and forcefully touching the girls who are yet to like them without permission. Romantic novels really just created a false sense of what love truly is.

romantic novelsromantic novels2

Now I am not assuming you love him, but I sincerely hope you are not basing your idea of love on butterflies. Because sometimes love is subtle. You say he is a great guy and because of no butterflies, you don’t wish to be with him. You are no starry-eyed teenager. You are old enough to know love….I think. If you are absolutely sure that you don’t wish to be with him, then for HIS sake, let him find someone who wants him. You are thinking solely of yourself and not about him or his happiness. It is unfair to him to be in a marriage with a woman that doesn’t love him.

So dear readers, what do you think of her situation? Personally, I fear she would go through with the wedding and I don’t think she should. Perhaps you all can give better and more experienced advice than I can.

Are people that are small of stature overly sensitive?

Hello, I am Back!!!! Who missed me? No….seriously….. who missed me?……..No one? really? Really??? Eh hen……..ok o
I am sorry, I have been AWOL for a while. My bad. 6 days without an update feels like forever. But hey! I am still here.The world has not been over run with Zombies yet, so for that reason, I must say things are splendid.
I apologize to all those who sent me mails that I am yet to respond to . E ma binu(don’t be angry). Will get on it. But seriously, is anyone going to send me a happy mail? A random mail filled with humour? A random mail dashing me 100 grand? Not those stupid spam that I get everyday about some money in some account that only I can get, but honest to God cash. But Seriously? Does anyone fall for those scams still? Seriously?

Now that I am done rambling, I am going to address an issue that has been on my mind for a while. Been chatting with a friend of mine who is really petite but happens to be one of the most aggressive people I have ever met. Her reason? People disrespect her because of her height, so she has to make up for what she lacks in height with aggression. Yeah she thinks being called short is wrong, so I won’t use the word short. (I think “fat” is incorrect so to each his own)

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I screwed up years ago, but Now I want my Redemption

Hello Hera

Saw in your ‘ABOUT’ that you were/are a lawyer. I am wondering if you could give me some advice. I know people are probably not going to be very sympathetic to my issue, but no one is perfect. So no one should judge me.

My story is similar to a Nigerian movie which I hate, but it happened. Back in the university in 1999, I met this girl. ‘Lolade’. She was eighteen at the time and a fresher. I was twenty-one and in 200 level. She came from an extremely sheltered background and knew next to nothing about men or relationship. We started dating. It was a good time for both of us. At a point, we started having sex. Now Lolade didn’t know anything about birth control, so I was in charge of making sure we were both safe. I know I slipped up a couple of times, but I believed I withdrew all the time.

A year and a half later, it was the summer holidays and I was at home. I don’t get to see her in the holidays because she lived quite far and that time, GSM were just taking off and I had not gotten a phone. One Sunday, She showed up at my house with her parents unannounced. My heart knew right away what she was here for. I knew that I was in serious trouble and my father was going to kill me. Like I feared, her dad told mine that their daughter was pregnant for me. I was called in and I did something I am still ashamed of today. I denied her . I threw a tantrum and made a scene basically calling her a liar and a whore. Lolade was silent and just kept looking at me. I avoided her gaze. Her parents were also silent. When I was done denying, her father simply said ‘Since your son said he is not responsible, we have nothing more to say.’ They left without another word. My parent drilled me that night trying to get me to confess. I kept lying and lying, that at one point, I began to believe it. I have no excuse for my actions. I was young. I was stupid. Lolade never came back to school. I assumed she aborted the baby. I never saw her again

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We need Marriage Counselors In Nigeria Please. No More P and E…………..

I am having one of those months. A lot of ideas but the inability to type it down. However for the past three days, I have been conversing with a reader who has been having some serious marital issues. Like I have told her and everyone, I am NOT qualified in the slightest to give professional advice on ANYTHING. (Newly Married myself and still trying to balance my innate feminist nature of “I will never be controlled’ to becoming a submissive African wife. It is a daily struggle). I guess my reader just wanted someone to talk to, that was a stranger.

This is one of the problems in Nigeria (amongst many). Couples don’t have anywhere to turn when they are facing crisis. True, some turn to their parents or siblings, but in more cases than not, it makes the situation worse. A Scenario- A man goes to complain to his mother about the character of his wife. Even if the mother is one of the sensible ones and does not take sides, there is always going to be that resentment from the wife’s end that so you went to report me to your mother and vice versa, so It is a No-Win situation. I believe that the saying “The wife is the one that makes or breaks a home” is a tremendous and unfair burden placed on married women. It irks me that a failure of a marriage is on the woman because they are magically expected to do whatever it takes to make a marriage work, even if it involves loosing herself in the process. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? What is the man’s role in making sure that a marriage does not fail? I remembered a married friend once said “A husband’s role is to provide. A wife’s role is everything else”.
what d fuckw
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