I don’t do Community Guilt/ Living a Facade.

So by now everyone in Nigeria and their mother is aware of the ‘scandal’ one of our more established actresses decided to get embroiled in? No? Well, the dear lady for reasons best known to her decided it was a good idea to post a picture of her two new dogs on instagram.

 

oge-okoye

vllkyt56e4v982fnf-31d98a0eUT as it turns out, an American reality star (The real housewives of Atlanta) earlier posted the picture of the same dogs. oh No!!! Apparently, dear Oge tried to pass off the puppies as hers. Naughty Oge. Continue reading

While I was away

20170222_081903Been two years since I posted.

Two Freaking YEARS

TWO YEARS

Trump is the President of the United States

I did not see that happening.

Moved to Qatar

Working 6 days a week….Yeah i know. 6 days!!!!

Still on baby one. or should i say toddler/ mama lips puller one

Still on hubby one too…In this era, that’s important to mention

Gained 25 kg. I know . I suck.

Turned 31. No more video games . sigh. Old age

My sister became a mummy.

Became an Instagram Addict.

All in all. I am living a good life

Trump is the President of the United States

Death. Leave Young People Alone!!!

Death and I have a strange relationship. It doesn’t bother me when someone in their 70s passes on. I believe they have lived a full rich life and are due for a long rest within the walls of heaven. I have never been able to fully accept it when someone young passes on. In my head, I constantly deny it. The first time I have ever reacted to a death was in 2007 when my uncle’s two-year old kid died. I had spent my entire holidays with her. I cried for hours. That’s the only time I ever remember crying so much. Most times, I am numb and keep trying to rationalize it that the person can be gone. It is too early. They are too young. They have so much to do.

I have suffered two tragic losses this past month. The first Lady and I rode the BRT everyday to work. She was my constant gist buddy for the long hours of traffic. We were as different as night and day, but we got along splendidly. We lost touch when she changed jobs and moved out-of-state, but we communicated on Facebook. It was through Facebook I also found out about her passing after a brief illness. She was only 32. Life is not fair.
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I lost another friend yesterday. This one is particularly dear to me. I had featured her and her designs in one of my earliest post on this blog.Europeans invented fashion. Nigerians re-invented style She was a fast growing fashion designer poised to be a mega star. She was the one who designed the outfits my hostesses wore on my wedding. she was my friend. She was my sister. Married over five years without an issue, it crushes me even more that there is no little one to carry on her legacy. Life is not fair

RIP Aty Lucee.....God knows best.....

Rest in peace Ladies. You shall be missed.

Continuing the circle of domestic violence

A friend of mine contacted me last week asking for information as how to obtain a divorce in Nigeria. I have not practiced in over 2 years but I dealt with a lot of divorce matters in my time. I was able to tell her what she needed and directed her to a lawyer. I was very curious but I knew I couldn’t ask. This young lady got married last year and just had a kid five weeks ago, so I was praying it was not for her. I forgot about it until yesterday when she contacted me again asking for more details, specifically grounds for divorce. At this point, I had to ask if she was ok. She replied that she was not. She then went into the sad but familiar story of domestic violence. Her husband had been using her as a punching bag for months now and she had endured it, according to her, for the sake of the pregnancy (which made little sense to me, because her being pregnant even puts her at more risk, but to each his own). She said one month after her caesarean, he beat her up again in the presence of his mother and she knew she could not deal with it any longer.

I asked her where she was and she said she was at her aunt’s home with the baby. Bewildered, I enquired why she was not with her parents and this was her response (I have her permission to quote her verbatim. I removed all my questions to her for easy reading) Continue reading

The Rush to ‘Obodo Oyinbo’. Is it worth the risk?

Good evening everyone. I finally found a childhood song that I have been searching for weeks. Why was it so hard to find? Well, It was not in English and I had no idea who sang it. My parents recorded it in the 80s. I absolutely loved the video even though I had no idea what was being said. I spent weeks googling ‘Mananinaninama Kombo’ without no success. Luckily, I remembered it had some English lines and I googled that and viola! I found it. It is South African too. What do you know? Enjoy.

Best part 0.45 to 1.00

Rambling done. Topic of the day

Yesterday, a friend contacted me. He wanted to find out some information about the Middle East as he is planning on moving to Kuwait. He said life has become too hard in Nigeria and he is looking for greener pastures. I asked him if he had a job offer. He replied No. I asked him if he had a place to stay. He replied No. I cautioned him that they don’t just hand over visas easily. He responded that he is in the process of securing a three-year working permit visa and is paying half of the money to the agent on Monday. Immediately, I felt red flags because I know that this was in no way legit. I asked how much he would be paying for the visa. he responded 800,000 naira which is roughly 5,000 dollars.

hair tearing

Wait o! Life has become so hard but you have over 5,000 dollars to give someone who is most likely going to bring you over here on a labourer visa. This is not to mention your flight ticket and the cost of living. It makes absolutely no sense. I have never understood the desperation that my people have to leave the country. There are a LOT of people who made it there, without connections and without rich parents. They struggled and they made a name for themselves. I feel sad when I see graduates at home for years. While there are some that have been very unlucky, there are others who found work but felt that the pay was beneath them and decided to hold out for something better. Now those same people would kill for those earlier offers that they rejected.

In the same vein, although there are many people who have made it in foreign lands, there are much more who gave up better opportunities in Nigeria to come here and they end up doing menial jobs. I met someone a while back who sold his store in Lagos and rushed down here. Now he works as a labourer earning 120 dinars which is roughly 48,000 a month. By the time you deduct his cost of living and other expenses, he is left with little or nothing to send home. Now this young man who I was chatting with, is going to spend over a million Naira to come to a country where no job awaits him, no home, no family and really no prospects. Is it worth the risk?

Today, I read a story on Nairaland that made me sad. A student in the UK, whose visa was not even close to expiring, decided to get into a scam marriage with a lady there. Unfortunately for them, the lady had been to the registry in 2011 and was recognized. They were arrested along with the man she had married in 2011, who happens to be a Nigerian as well (face palm) and another accomplice. He was sentenced to 20 months in prison, after which he is likely to be deported. The worst part of the story, he paid 5,000 pounds to the lady for the scam marriage. 5,000 pounds!!!! I cannot wrap my head around it. He had that much funds. He could not use his time wisely, gather more and then use the money raised to open a business back home. He could not look for a job there and get a working permit? I don’t know what drove him to do this. Maybe he had tried my above suggestions and failed. I don’t know. But what I do know is that he is in jail, 5,000 pounds poorer, going to be deported and probably banned from the UK. Again I ask, is it worth the risk?

A friend I broached this topic with, said “I would not understand”. Maybe I don’t. I know there are a lot of desperately poor people out there who feel like they have no choice. In my opinion, I think it is more of ‘get rich quicker’ than any other reason that makes these boys flee the country. if you can raise 500,000 to travel abroad, surely you can find a more useful venture to direct the money in and make profit.

This is my opinion. I don’t have a problem with people wanting a better life for themselves and their families. I know for a fact that there are a lot of people who took the risk of travelling to a country with nothing and ended up making it. However, I don’t think it is that easy anymore. A word of caution. These countries you are rushing to, have their own problems. Someone (I have no idea who) once said “It is better to be a king in your home than a butler in another man’s home’
Please drop your comments. Is my view extremely one-sided? Do I truly not ‘understand’?

Your face is NOT a Colouring Book

She woke up that monday morning with a feeling of excitement and precipitation. Her cousin has finally come through for her. She had a job interview after two years of searching. She knew with her grades, she was an absolute shoo-in for the job, but she wanted to make an impression with her looks. She spent a long time on her makeup, making sure it was perfect.
She got to the interview on time. It started 50 minutes later than it ought to. She was eventually ushered in. The interview panel consisted of one man and two women . As soon as she stepped into the room, she noticed that the panel did a double take. The man held back a smile while the two ladies pursed their lips. She didn’t think anything of it and the interview went relatively smoothly.

A month had passed by and she had not heard anything from the company. She contacted her cousin who got her the interview and asked if he could find out why there was no call back. Later that evening, her cousin contacted her and informed that the panel liked her resume, but were extremely put off by her looks. He said that they thought her makeup was clownish and didn’t represent the kind of staff they were looking for. She was completely perplexed. She was how she thought she looked

Abuja-20130326-00356 Model

this was how the panel saw her.

rrrWaju

Continue reading

Soldier Come Soldier Go. Time to stop the Fear.

Dear Hera,

Hello.Four years ago, My brother started dating a girl in our neighbourhood. At that time, he was doing his Masters program and she was the only daughter of a retired military officer. She has three brothers in different positions in the military. She stayed with her father and the brothers stay at Dodan Barracks. Then I and his friends warned him about dating her because we were afraid that if he were to break her heart, he would end up in a guardroom and become a statistic. He didn’t listen. Then she got pregnant. Of course her family insisted on a wedding right away. He had no choice because he was intimidated and threatened by her brothers. He didn’t finish his masters and had to go look for a job. They got married. She had a boy.
As the boy grew older, he bore a very disturbing resemblance to another neighbour of ours. I and another friend proceeded on a covert operation to get the neighbour in question very drunk so that he could spill the beans. It worked. He confessed that he had sexual relations with my brother’s wife at the time they were dating; that he knew the boy was his and If he is never able to bear a male child, he would come take his son back. We recorded this and gave it to my brother. He was extremely angry. He took the recording to one of her brothers who scoffed and said that people had been teasing this neighbour for years that the child looked like him. That the statements made were most likely made in Jest. My brother said he was going to do a paternity test and he laughed and warned him not to try it if he values his life.

Now my brother does not know what to do. Me i dey vex, because I know he should go ahead and damn the consequences. Is he going to stay with the whore that lied to him till her brothers die. It is unfair. Yes, I know that military in Nigeria are dangerous but it doesn’t mean that my brother should sacrifice his rest of his life. Please advise.

Adekunle

Wow. Your matter thick. For readers who do not understand, my home country Nigeria has had over 30 years of military rule and a good number of Nigerians know better than to mess with soldiers. Unlike the soldiers in movies who are usually courteous and almost gentlemanly in their conducts, the Nigerian soldiers are perceived as intimidating and brutish. Now, this is just a perception and I am sure that we have very good officers.

naija soldier

Usually, I would have simply stated that your brother should stop being a wimp and do what he needs to do, but as a Nigerian, I understand his fear. I understand his hesitation. So, like I always do, I went to my team of awesome men that I usually consult for suggestions whenever I am stuck on an issue.

Unequivocally, they all agreed that your brother ought to go ahead with a paternity test. They stated that while they do understand the fear of the military, but in an issue this sensitive and serious, he should not hesitate to do what he needs to do. This is his life. The brothers and father are living theirs. Yes, it is going to be difficult and it will take some time to resolve but it is doable.

Meanwhile, do not call your sister-in-law a whore based on a drunk guy’s testimony. That is disrespectful. Give your sister-in-law the benefit of the doubt, and let your brother tell her about the paternity test. If she is innocent, she will be hurt but she will agree to do it because consent of both parties are needed for paternity test. If your sister-in-law is being difficult, advise your brother to go to the police and get a report written out. Then he should go to court. He should also let the brothers know that he has informed the police and If anything happens to him, they would get in trouble. I have friends who have friends who have friends in high military positions, so If your brother is serious about pursuing this (Because at the end of the day, your opinion does not matter. It is his house, his home and his desire to pursue the matter), they would be glad to help. I have already contacted them and they will do the needful (see, I can be nice).

Never forget. We have one of the most free press in Africa, so if he does not feel safe, let him go to the newspapers or social media and put the world on notice. It is not the dark ages. No one should live in fear or spend the rest of their lives feeling like they have been scammed into marriage or that one day someone can come and claim their son.
timthumb My opinion.

So my dear readers, what do you think of this situation? What do you suggest?

My experiences with people with disabilities. Why are we so uncomfortable around them?

Moments of Kindness Growing up,I was always uncomfortable with people with disabilities. I would surreptitiously stare at them and turn away quickly when they caught me staring. I always wondered how tough their life was (make no mistake, it is a tough life). I cannot forget two encounters with people with disabilities. they changed my life forever and made me respect and appreciate them.

First encounter
2006- In my final year at the university, I was transferred to a new dorm. My next door neighbours included the cutest girl who used leg braces and crutches. Everyone treated her like an egg, so I did too. I felt so nervous around her because I was not sure how to address her. I always wanted to ask whether she was born that way or acquired it through an accident but I Knew asking was out-of-place (in English, none of my business). One evening, I walked to the gate leading into my dorm(which was a good 10 minutes walk) to order some ‘Meshai'(bread and egg prepared in a special way) and there she was. She had been dropped off by a male colleague because males were not allowed into the hostel after seven p.m. We struck up a conversation and for the first time, I began to see her not as that crippled girl next door whom everyone doted on, but a free-spirited girl with a mind of her own.
After our orders were done, we began to walk back. It was at a very slow place because I had to walk beside her. I got so bored that I blurted out without thinking “We would reach the hostel faster if I were to carry you”. Shit! I was so angry with myself for saying that and I was sure I had offended her. I turned to look at her and on her face was this big grin. She outstretched her hands. I then asked ‘For real?’. She let out a hearty laugh and said ‘Before?’. Me and My big mouth then carried her (once upon a time I used to be quite strong(feels like a lifetime ago) all the way to the hostel. It felt really nice.

That was the beginning of our friendship. I treated her like any normal girl and she really appreciated it. I remember yelling across the hall for her to come to my room. She would yell back that she doesn’t have her legs(that’s what she called her braces) on, that I should come over. I would respond, ‘Naaaa! I called first’ She would eventually come complaining that I was mean, and I did not sympathize with her conditions. I would point to my robust cheeks or big belly and say we all had conditions. People were astounded at how lightly I took her disability, but I realised she didn’t want to be treated like an egg. I never saw her again after school. I miss her.

The second encounter came 5 years later in 2011, during my Masters program in the University of Lagos. Continue reading

Behind every playa lies a broken heart. Truth or Wash?

Yesterday I came across this video on YouTube and It made me profoundly angry, sad and disturbed.

For Those of you who cannot watch the video, It is Divorce Court. A woman left her husband with whom she had never had a problem, because he was being “Too nice”. That when he says “I love you” she is always waiting for him to hit her or something. That he says I love you too much. When the Judge said How much? She said twice a week……..

sarcasm smiley

The Judge kept pushing her to find out why on earth she was leaving him and She came up with “He made her gain weight.” That he was such a good cook and was always cooking for her anytime she asked. He didn’t just make a sandwich. He always went all out to cook for her and hence he is the reason why she is fat. Did I mention that she had three kids for other men before she married him and he was raising them financially. I guessed the saddest part is that despite all this, he said at the end. “I wish the Judge had sentenced you to life with me’………….sob…………(the sob is me, not the husband. Grown ass men don’t sob. Something only gets into their eyes)

First of all, I have to mention that this ‘woman’ is not a representation of women folk, though I have to admit that we are the most confused specie in knowing what we want (Strong but Sensitive, Tough but sweet and all the other BS that romance novels have deceived us with). This lady was clearly used to being in abusive relationships and couldn’t handle it when a truly decent guy wants to be with her. It is saddening because millions of women are looking for this kind of guy.(My husband cannot find anything in the Kitchen even when he decides to cook which has been…….twice in the last year…………so I end up hovering around him while he cooks)

Despite how digusted I am by this lady, a comment on this video is the crux of today’s article. The commenter said that and I quote “this is how ‘playas’ are born.That no guy ever becomes one (a playa) without being disappointed by a woman” Realllllyyyy???. Let’s analyse? Shall we?

So who is a playa? I googled Urban Dictionary to find out its definition of a playa. (Visit Urban dictionary for some amazing humorous definitions of Black Americans’ slangs)

Playa-
known love offender, known also as a notorious heart breaker, one who engages in flirtatious, seductive and/or scandalous liaisons of little to no meaning and/or feeling, with the opposite sex.

Sounds like an absolutely horrid person right? So I wondered If truly one(or two or a thousand) heart breaks could turn an absolutely nice guy into this. Is it true in any or all circumstances? Even in some stupid Love movies, the Romeo always starts off as a womanizing jerk and later we find out that the reason for that is because of some heartbreak he suffered earlier. As I always do, I conducted a survey with over 25 male friends (some single, some married) to find out their opinions whether the assertion that ‘Behind every playa lies a broken heart was true or was a Wash’ ( A wash is a slang meaning A Line to deceive). The overwhelming consensus (aside a few dissenters here and there) was

wash

You have got to love guys. They are brutally honest even about themselves
Now I cannot list all the views, but I am going to just put three that I believe were the most poignant

OmoOba Yusuf- A playa is a playa by choice. Heart break doesn’t produce playas. A lot of guys have been heartbroken but still respect women and are committed to their new relationship. Girls suffer more heart break than boys. Are they now “playa-resses”

Okechukwu – No such thing. It is such a title given to a guy that preys on weak girls. Because No one can successfully be a “playa’ without making mistakes. So simply the woman chooses to ignore them. If a woman were to dump a guy’s ass when she knows he is cheating, there would be no such thing as playas. No guy is that smooth. The girls just ignore the signs.

Henry- Wash! Every guy has a natural proclivity to bed several women, it just takes a combination of discipline(rooted in moral or religious consideration), financial wherewithal, fear of STDs to curb such natural inclination. (Way too many Big words Henry(We lawyers like to overcomplicate issues with big words). In Translation, Everyone can be a “playa’, But they CHOOSE not to. (See how much easier it sounds when I say it. Ha Ha)

So by now you have probably figured out whose side I am on. I personally believe it is a BLOODY WASH. Let’s face it. Over 90 percent of people have had their heart-broken by one person or the other. If the entire 90 percent decide to become “playas’, who is left to be played? I have always been a staunch believer of “He slaps you, Slap him back’ not “He slaps you, you go to his house, slap his mother, father and nephew and on your way out, slap the neighbour and the old lady walking by as well” That is exactly what guys who give the excuse of previous heartbreaks as a reason for becoming playas, do. They hurt people who are not responsible for their hurt. It’s like an Aids carrier who decided to sleep around with the intention of infecting others. It is wrong. It is sick. Being a playa is nothing to be proud of.

That being said, ladies also have a hand in this. Ladies seem to have an attraction for bad boys….rebels. It’s sad that some perfectly nice guys believe that they have to fit the bad boy image to get the girls that they like. You see girls crying over guys who constantly cheat on them and yet put guys who would treat them like a queen in the friend zone. Do we have a problem? Definitely….. It applies to both sexes, though mostly to women. Treat people right. It’s not that hard. You CANNOT change people. People choose to change themselves. Playas choose to be Playas. Nobody made that change for them. That is it. It is not complicated.

P.S If your heart were to truly break, You would be dead. Who invented the word anyway?

My dear readers alike, male and female, take the poll and let me have your views. Am I being too judgemental and only seeing the glass half full?
Drop a line, let’s converse.