I don’t do Community Guilt/ Living a Facade.

So by now everyone in Nigeria and their mother is aware of the ‘scandal’ one of our more established actresses decided to get embroiled in? No? Well, the dear lady for reasons best known to her decided it was a good idea to post a picture of her two new dogs on instagram.

 

oge-okoye

vllkyt56e4v982fnf-31d98a0eUT as it turns out, an American reality star (The real housewives of Atlanta) earlier posted the picture of the same dogs. oh No!!! Apparently, dear Oge tried to pass off the puppies as hers. Naughty Oge. Continue reading

The bridesmaid specialist is now the bride

Hello people. Remember I posted an article a lifetime ago about how my sister was always asked to be a bridesmaid and I never was…..almost never was. read that HERE . I am excited to announce that the bridesmaid specialist is now the bride.. hurray. This weekend, a wise wise young guy took another of the Idrisu girl as a wife. (We Idrisu girls are very special with a heart of gold…. though I like to think that mine is more of titanium mixed with a little platinum with just a hint of………..what was I again?)

Ahaaa the wedding….Thanks to our relocation which was very timely, I was able to attend the ceremony. Considering how vain I am, I was determined to look fabulous to all the aunties and uncles who had not seen me in years. I have worked relatively hard all year to lose the baby weight and I was a few kg shy of my ultimate goal but alas! I try if I do say so myself. Continue reading

The Childless Nigerian Wife

I came across this post from my one of my favourite bloggers and friend Ilsa Aida and it inspired me to write this. Here are a few excerpts

That beautiful day arrives. You dance, you are excited, you feel beautiful, finally you have been joined at the hip with the man of your dreams (or so you think)

Days pass, months crystallize into years and they begin to look at you. Your spouse begins to look at you because you have not uttered the words ‘I am pregnant’ Both families begin to give advice about how to get pregnant, you struggle with what to do while trying to stand firm on your beliefs.

When all you really want to do is run, run and stay on a bed forever.

Now and again, you are reminded that you are barren and little by little even your spouse begins to discount you as a human being. You are strong, so you must be strong.

Then in a moment of clarity in between your depression, you wonder where the ‘better for worse’ is.

You wonder if you have ever been really loved, you wonder if all the ceremony was for show. Truth is, you were married to provide a warm body and birth heirs to brag about.

Your sense of identity is lost because in your refusal to provide a child, you are not relevant in the scheme of things and everything you do is constantly weighed against the fact that you have not borne a child.

for more, visit http://ilsa-aida.blogspot.com/

Now, I have a lot of amazing friends who would make amazing wives but for some reason, are yet to settle down. Then there are those amazing friends who have settled down and would make amazing mothers but they are not yet blessed with the fruit of the womb. I see them running from pillar to post, from one fertility clinic to another and my heart breaks for them. I find myself questioning God (I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it) why children are born into abusive poverty-stricken home with only a bleak future awaiting them and not in loving home so desperate for them.

Honestly, I cannot imagine what these women go through. They have to put a brave face to the world while their heart aches. They have to smile and rejoice as their friends and others who married years after them give birth. They turn to God in fervent prayers, wishing with all their heart and soul that they don’t see their period the next month. And when the period comes, the depression sets in month after month after month. The pressure that the husband faces to be strong for the two of them, to comfort her, placate her and make her feel secure. There are many Nigerian men who stand with their wives in this trying times, but there are so many more who crack. They question the wife’s history and assume promiscuity , they put her down, they kill her spirit and sometimes (if they are not the one with the problem) they get another girl pregnant.

The level of wickedness that a childless Nigerian woman sometimes faces from her own fellow woman is unbelievable. Even those with wonderful mother in-laws begin to feel the brunt when years pass without a child. They begin to ask questions. Some want to find out if there is something spiritually wrong. Others get downright hostile. In gatherings, women constantly talk about the achievement of their kids in the midst of the childless one. I am not saying that you are not allowed to celebrate or be proud of your kid simply because someone else is yet to have, but a lot of tact is required in such circumstances.

I know a lot of my readers would probably be wondering ‘What is the big deal? Adopt already!! Use a surrogate or something’. These are excellent choices but Nigeria is still a long way from this. Thankfully IVF is catching on and more couples are going for it. However, it is very expensive and sometimes it does not work, discouraging a lot of people from trying. There are a lot of abandoned kids just looking for a home but the average woman wants to carry and birth her kid. And who can blame her?

I say a long deep prayer to all the ladies looking for a child. It is not easy to be patient and no one would ever understand how hard it is. All one can do is empathize. Please be brave ladies. God is not asleep and he will work, but don’t sit on your hands waiting. Get proactive, get fit and visit the fertility clinics. Baby dust to the childless Nigerian wife.

The title “Mrs”

Nigerians are obsessed with marriage. It is an unescapable and undeniable fact. As soon as a girl finishes the university(some even before), the questioning begins “Do you have a serious boyfriend?” Why will u bring home a man for us?” As she gets older, relatives start to broach the subject as well. As she nears her 30s, it is a ‘free for all’ From aunties to distant cousins to the mallam selling chewing gum down the road. They all begin to ask “you no go marry. Your mates don born finish”

In April and August, I have published two contrasting experiences. One was aptly titled “Single shaming”, the story of Felicia(not real name) whose siblings and friends have all gotten married. (You can read it again HERE) She felt ostracized by her best friends who didn’t invite her for their reunion and alienated by her married younger sisters. I got in contact with the now 33-year-old Felicia a few weeks ago. As much as I would have to be delivering a happily ever after story right now for Felicia, her fairy tale is still in the works. She is currently dating though. She is with a 42 year divorcee with 2 kids. It raised some red flags with me. Now I have nothing against divorcees. I have handled a lot of divorce cases in my time and I do realize being divorced doesn’t necessarily mean the party has a bad character. Sometimes people are not meant to be. HOWEVER, sometimes the divorce could be due to the character of the divorcee. I was concerned as to whether she had let the pressure get to her and is settling or genuinely ready to be with the man and become an instant mother. She assured me she was. Looking forward to the wedding bells in the future.

My next writer had no qualms about admitting she was settling. In August, Susan wrote in stating that she was about to have this huge extravagant wedding with an amazing man who loved her. The catch was she didn’t love him. Not even a little bit.(or so she says. She was waiting to feel butterflies) Her main consideration was her age. (You can also read that HERE ). Some readers advised her not to go through it. Others told her the love would grow. She went through it and even posted all the pictures on Facebook. It was truly an extravagant wedding. Yesterday, I got into a chat with her and asked if the butterflies has arrived. She ‘lol’ed and said no, but she was comfortable. Comfortable…… Not happy…. Comfortable.

Now I am not trying to poke holes in these ladies’ lives, neither am I trying to criticize their choices. I understand all too well the intense pressure of being an unmarried girl in her thirties in a country like Nigeria. A lot of hype is attached to being a ‘Mrs’ over the general happiness of the girl in question. Marriage is one of the hardest thing in the world to handle, and it takes the constant effort to make it work. So it’s not about being a ‘Mrs’ but staying a ‘Mrs’ while keeping your dignity and sanity.

My Judgmental Friend ruined one of the best Moments of my Life

Hello everyone. So the The dogs of Al Burhama are back again and even more organized. As I was preparing breakfast for my boss, I noticed another boss(dog) accompanied by two other smaller dogs. They were racing towards something, barking ferociously. Their target turned out to be two other dogs behind a net fence. Obviously the dogs could not get at each other and just kept on barking. For some reason ‘Westside Story’ came to mind. These dogs are the rival gangs and there are probably some poodles on both sides, in a doomed love affair. I strained to see if there were any dogs brooding close by, not involved in the confrontation. I couldn’t see any.(Perhaps this is just Scene one). Will keep an eye out for Scene two. (the height of joblessness)

crazy dogs

Rambling done. I received a mail two days ago. It was an online conversation between two girls that used to be close friends in school.

(Conversation is as is, except for the name changes and the removal of smileys)
Grace- I just had a baby!
Helen-Congrats!!!!
Helen- Wait! What??
Grace- lol
Helen- Babe, you didn’t even invite me to the wedding.
Helen- Hello???
Grace- Babes, I am not married
Helen- Excuse me????
Grace- It is complicated
Helen- What nonsense is this? Were you raped? If na play, stop am
Grace- Nonsense. Are you calling my baby nonsense. Rape? God forbid!
Helen- This is absolutely nonsense. You are telling me that you have a baby and you are not married. What is wrong with you? You that used to be a senior member in fellowship back in school. You that used to stand on the podium and preach to the girls to abstain from sex. You can now open your mouth to not only tell me that you are having sex while not married but that you have a baby too. I am bitterly disappointed in you.
Grace- What is all this na? As my close friend, I expect you to be supportive at least. I don’t need this condemnation from you. What are you ruining the moment?
Helen- You are a single mother. You want me to support that? Babe, we only became friends because we had similar principles about life, sex and marriage. You started all this. You didn’t tell me at all for 9 months and you expect support.
Grace- This is why I didn’t tell you. You are so judgmental
Helen You for no bother tell me at all ooo! Don’t you feel shame??
Grace- What? Go to hell jare!!! Good bye

Grace sent in this conversation with a single message. Why are people so judgmental??.

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Girls are Hyenas. No such thing as a Girl Code

Hello everyone. Happy Sunday. Now a bit of good news before I delve into the issue of today. Read yesterday on Yahoo that a man who started an exercise regime, developed an illness called Rhabdomyolysis (the ‘R’ is silent….I think). His muscle fibers deteriorated to the point that his urine turned to Coca-Cola (his words, not mine). I am totally going to ignore the fact that this was P90X Insanity, which as the name implies, is arguably the toughest regiment out there, and the guy who had not exercised in years jumped into the rigorous program that his body obviously wasn’t ready for. I am going to ignore all that and say ‘EXERCISES MAKE YOU SICK’

Husband- Are you not working out today?

Me- What? Are you kidding? Don’t you know that doing exercise now gives you Rhabdomyolysis? eh hen!!! That’s your plan abi. You want me to fall sick and die so that you can marry another wife (breaks down crying)

Husband (confused)- huh?

Ok, the above scenario has not happened yet, but I intend to use it in the nearest future

Rambling done. So a few days ago, I posted a mail sent in by one of my readers. There was a comment made by a friend of Mine, Tokunbo that inspired this present post. You can read that story and the comments here, but the short version is that she mentioned that one of the parties messed with the girl code by sleeping with her friends’ ex and I was like “There is a girl code????””

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I need to tell my Best friend that I slept with her fiance. She deserves to Know.

Hello everyone, happy new month. It is a beautiful day. I had a zombie nightmare last night. Luckily for me, I had a gun that actually worked. I fired the gun and blew up the zombie’s head (hurray). However, in typical nightmarish style, the Zombie didn’t die and kept coming. I remember thinking “*&^% this. That’s cheating”. Then I woke up and I smiled. Usually you wake up from Nightmares when you are about to die. I woke up because my rational head interfered with dream world. So I win.

Aha, that’s enough rambling for today. I got a mail from a Ghanaian. Usually, most of my mails come from Nigeria, but now I got one from Ghana. Pretty cool right? Kawula(hello). Thanks for reading. Thanks for sharing your story. I will be brutally honest with you, but I am glad you wrote to me (In other news, we kicked your butt during the Nations Cup, ha ha ha). Ok. Serious. Here is Louisa’s story.

Hello Hera,

Hello. I hope you can help me with my dilemma. I know a lot of people are likely to judge me, but as they judge, I hope that they can give me real solid advice as well because I really can’t tell anyone else.

I have a good friend. For the purpose of this write-up, I changed our names and our schools. I am sure you understand. Nana and I have been very good friends for 7 years. Nana is very pretty and gets all the attention. I am quite dark and ordinary looking. I have spent a good part of my life in Nana’s shadow, but that has never really bothered me. Nana is a nice girl. Yeah, she did a lot of things that hurt my feelings and have taken away the attentions of guys that I admired, but I know she never did any of that intentionally. She is not that type. I guess it is just one of the things that comes with having a very hot friend.

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We need Marriage Counselors In Nigeria Please. No More P and E…………..

I am having one of those months. A lot of ideas but the inability to type it down. However for the past three days, I have been conversing with a reader who has been having some serious marital issues. Like I have told her and everyone, I am NOT qualified in the slightest to give professional advice on ANYTHING. (Newly Married myself and still trying to balance my innate feminist nature of “I will never be controlled’ to becoming a submissive African wife. It is a daily struggle). I guess my reader just wanted someone to talk to, that was a stranger.

This is one of the problems in Nigeria (amongst many). Couples don’t have anywhere to turn when they are facing crisis. True, some turn to their parents or siblings, but in more cases than not, it makes the situation worse. A Scenario- A man goes to complain to his mother about the character of his wife. Even if the mother is one of the sensible ones and does not take sides, there is always going to be that resentment from the wife’s end that so you went to report me to your mother and vice versa, so It is a No-Win situation. I believe that the saying “The wife is the one that makes or breaks a home” is a tremendous and unfair burden placed on married women. It irks me that a failure of a marriage is on the woman because they are magically expected to do whatever it takes to make a marriage work, even if it involves loosing herself in the process. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? What is the man’s role in making sure that a marriage does not fail? I remembered a married friend once said “A husband’s role is to provide. A wife’s role is everything else”.
what d fuckw
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Your face is NOT a Colouring Book

She woke up that monday morning with a feeling of excitement and precipitation. Her cousin has finally come through for her. She had a job interview after two years of searching. She knew with her grades, she was an absolute shoo-in for the job, but she wanted to make an impression with her looks. She spent a long time on her makeup, making sure it was perfect.
She got to the interview on time. It started 50 minutes later than it ought to. She was eventually ushered in. The interview panel consisted of one man and two women . As soon as she stepped into the room, she noticed that the panel did a double take. The man held back a smile while the two ladies pursed their lips. She didn’t think anything of it and the interview went relatively smoothly.

A month had passed by and she had not heard anything from the company. She contacted her cousin who got her the interview and asked if he could find out why there was no call back. Later that evening, her cousin contacted her and informed that the panel liked her resume, but were extremely put off by her looks. He said that they thought her makeup was clownish and didn’t represent the kind of staff they were looking for. She was completely perplexed. She was how she thought she looked

Abuja-20130326-00356 Model

this was how the panel saw her.

rrrWaju

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Most Nigerian Mothers in-law are diabolical. Reality or Stereotype

Hello everyone. So the Daily post daily prompt of the day is to turn to your co-workers, kids, Facebook friends, family — whoever — and ask them to suggest an article, an adjective, and a verb. And write on it. Well a facebook friend named Morticia suggested that I write about her mother in law issues. Morticia’s son is going to be two years old in 3 weeks and her husband’s mother has never met him. This is her story.

“Kole and I met during the National Youth Service. It was love at first sight…for me at least. After two years of dating, he took me home to his mother. I was nervous as expected but I never envisioned that the day would go so badly. She came to the door with a big smile on her face which faded very quickly as soon as she saw me. My heart skipped a beat and started to race. Does this woman know me from somewhere? Have I offended her unknowingly in the past? After we were seated, out of the blue, she asked me how old I was. I told her and she asked me to stop lying. Then all the red flags went up. The next hour, although awkward, went without incident. At one point, I was addressing Kole and inadvertently called him by my pet name for him ‘Koolio’. She flared up and yelled at me to address her son by his proper name. I was beyond stunned. Kole came to my defense and said I was his future wife and I can address him however I wanted. She looked at me with pure hatred and I said I was the reason why her only son was talking back to her. She went into the room and didn’t come out until we left

That was the beginning of the end. Despite numerous trips made by Kole, she just refused to accept me. The reason she gave people who asked, was that she had cooked food for me and I had looked at the food with disdain. For the life of me, I cannot remember that, but I called her immediately to apologise. I told her I was just a child. If I offended her, she should forgive me. She yelled and cursed and told me to get out of her son’s life. At the point, Kole asked me not to interact with her anymore. It made me sad that I was planning a wedding and my mother in law was doing her best to sabotage it by calling her relations and spreading malicious tales about me. Even her husband could not call her to order. One day, she called her son and told him that I would never be able to give birth to a child, that she had a dream that I was barren. My fiance and I decided then to try for a baby before the wedding. So on my wedding day, I was 4 months pregnant and my mother in law still didn’t come for the wedding. She is yet to see her only grandson. I have asked my husband severally to allow mediators made up of elder relations, to try to settle the matter, but my husband feels so betrayed that he has cut her off. I am so sad’
Morticia, Morticia, Morticia. I am not trying to trivialize your pain, but from a movie point of view, you are so freaking lucky. Now in foreign movies, the bad mother in law is typically one that uses funny wise cracks to taunt or insult her in-law. The typical mother in law portrayed in our movies is diabolical and super evil. She is not just going to insult you with words,No No No….. she is going to insult your entire family tree dating back to the Kunta Kinte days. She is going to pour water on you…hot..cold….stinky….she is not picky. She is going to bring in another wife for your son. She is going to order you out of your home. She is going to initiate a fight and turn around to make it seem like you started it so as to get your husband mad at you. She is going to visit native doctors to turn her son’s mind away from you. She is going to visit native doctors to try to kill you and your babies or she tries to do it herself because she is a witch. That is the typical movie mother in-law.
patienceThe No 1 diabolical mother in law in Nigerian movies.

Aside from movies, we hear stories of horrid mothers in-law which made us believe that the movies must be true. Now these movies and horror tales made a lot of Nigerian girls, myself included extremely wary of mothers in-law. Some girls do wish their mothers in-law dead before marriage. I find that extreme but I do understand their mindset. I, on the other hand, have an awesome mother in law(Only seen her once since I got married a year ago, making her even more awesome, but seriously she is so cool and laidback). I have friends who are closer to their mother in law than their own mother as well as friends who completely shun theirs. There is no saying what kind of woman would end up being your in law, but I do think that the diabolical mother inlaw stance is a tad bit exaggerated. It is stereotypical to assume that most mothers in law are diabolical. We girls are going to mothers in law eventually. That would mean that majority of us girls would be diabolical mothers in law one day, which is fallacious.

mother in law

So Share your tale. Do you think most Nigerian mothers in law are diabolical or is it just a small percent made to seem larger due to the stereotyping?