The bridesmaid specialist is now the bride

Hello people. Remember I posted an article a lifetime ago about how my sister was always asked to be a bridesmaid and I never was…..almost never was. read that HERE . I am excited to announce that the bridesmaid specialist is now the bride.. hurray. This weekend, a wise wise young guy took another of the Idrisu girl as a wife. (We Idrisu girls are very special with a heart of gold…. though I like to think that mine is more of titanium mixed with a little platinum with just a hint of………..what was I again?)

Ahaaa the wedding….Thanks to our relocation which was very timely, I was able to attend the ceremony. Considering how vain I am, I was determined to look fabulous to all the aunties and uncles who had not seen me in years. I have worked relatively hard all year to lose the baby weight and I was a few kg shy of my ultimate goal but alas! I try if I do say so myself. Continue reading

The Trials of Fatimah- the struggles of an orobo Part 5

Excerpts from Part 3
She is not that fat (thank you boy). Besides, fat people like her always get married (go and die boy)

So began a long conversation about fat people and marriage. I sat there listening to it thinking to myself ‘Chei See my life. Is it a crime to be big? From then on, I was determined to do something. I was determined to turn my life around. I was determined to make a difference. As long as I didn’t have to give up food……………So I did the next best thing

December 2005
I have a boyfriend. Hurray……………This is how we met……………

So I am on a hunt for a boyfriend. I have never had one which I found absolutely outrageous and offensive as there were uglier and fatter girls out there than me and they had boyfriends. Granted, I was extremely picky (the real word is vain as I wanted a David Beckham kind of guy, but I will never call myself vain. Only thin girls are vain….cough cough). Anyways, this time, I was not going to be picky anymore. I will date the first boy that toasts me as long as he is not fat or too short or too thin or wears glasses or has bad teeth or has a barrel for a belly or………….yeah…………

So how does one get a boyfriend in the university? Well, some freshers got toasted when they were up and about or at parties. I have been walking up and down since 1st year and no reasonable person has approached me (not counting all the agberos who see me passing and yell out ‘orobo’). Aside from Tade who led me on and broke my heart (yeah, I know technically my statement isn’t correct, but who cares about technicality. Our matter isn’t done though), no other guy has expressed a beyond friendship interest in me yet. No one invites me for parties. Continue reading

The Trials of Fatimah- the struggles of an orobo Part 4

Excerpt from Part 3
Eventually he returned with our meal. I was not too devastated to eat though. Food has always been my biggest comforter. At a point, Foluke excused herself to get more. As soon as she was out of sight, Tade leaned in and whispered

“My sister has been having a hard time. Her roommates are absolute monsters to her. She has no friends. I am hoping you can do me a favor and take her under your wings. You have this confidence that she doesn’t . When I saw you yesterday, I knew you would be a perfect friend for her, considering you are as chubby as she was. (Gunshot to my Brain).I would really appreciate it.
This was the worst day of my life. How will I face my roommates now? How will I face Ngozi?


And Now Part 4

So how did the date go? Stella asked when I returned
Fantastic? (I was going to take the true story to my grave!!!!)
Really?
Yeah, ‘I said, hoping she would drop it already, but I knew I will not get off that easily
So if he asks you out, will you gree?
Nah, he is not really my type
Hahaha ‘laughed my evil Ngozi, “you get type?’My dear, don’t be picky o”

Have I ever mentioned how much I hated Ngozi? I haven’t? I really hate Ngozi. She reminds me of all those really mean girls back in the secondary school and she was not even pretty enough to qualify as a mean girl. she was just average in looks. Stella whom I love is way prettier. Bola, who doesn’t really send anyone, is stunning (though I like to think she is plain because she is indifferent to me but at least she doesn’t pick on me). Ngozi seem to take pleasure in bringing me down. May she get obese after her first child. Amen. If I was not that big, I am pretty sure I would be termed prettier than her (At least so I was told). Just you wait until my next weight loss drug works. We will see who is prettier. (I was really delusional)

September 26 2005

A new semester. No longer a jamb bite. 200 level woo hoo. Unfortunately, my holiday was an absolute disaster as for the first time in my life, I had entered the triple digits. (No thanks to my mamma for always cooking carbs. No. I refuse to take personal responsibility. I would rather blame my folks). I cried for hours when I saw the scales hit 102kg. Then I determined it must be faulty and gave it away. Ate salads all day that day with only 2 bowls of ice cream at night (In Retrospect, Really Fatima? Really?)

November 4th 2005
One of the most humiliating days of my life ( sometimes I wonder if I am too sensitive because every incidence always ranks as one of the most humiliating days, but this was pretty bad). It was a weekend and there were a bunch of people in the room, guys and girls. They were all sitting around Ngozi and Stella’s side of the room. Stella and Bose were absent. I sat at my end listening but not participating in the gist. They were watching the movie Shallow Hal ( the one where a vain shallow fat guy was hypnotized into seeing the inner beauty of women and ended up falling for a fat girl whose inner beauty was Gwyneth Patrow. Sha at the end of the day, he stayed with the fat girl. All real mushy stuff). At the end of the movie, evil Ngozi came to my bed and gave me a hug. Somehow I thought maybe the movie has casted out the devil in her and has made her see my inner beauty (me, I am yet to see any inner beauty, but if others are seeing it, that’s fine by me), but her words woke me up quickly.

Oh Fatty
(I hate it when people call me that). See there is hope for you”

I wanted to die at that point as all the people in the room turned to look at me. I was so humiliated. I guess one of the boys noticed as he quickly came to my defense(or so I thought) and said

‘she is not that fat (thank you boy). Besides, fat people like her always get married (go and die boy)

So began a long conversation about fat people and marriage. I sat there listening to it thinking t myself ‘Chei See my life. Is it a crime to be big? From then on, I was determined to do something. I was determined to turn my life around. I was determined to make a difference. As long as I didn’t have to give up food……………So I did the next best thing

December 2005
I have a boyfriend. Hurray……………This is how we met……………

Tune in for Part 5 of Fatimah’s saga

Death. Leave Young People Alone!!!

Death and I have a strange relationship. It doesn’t bother me when someone in their 70s passes on. I believe they have lived a full rich life and are due for a long rest within the walls of heaven. I have never been able to fully accept it when someone young passes on. In my head, I constantly deny it. The first time I have ever reacted to a death was in 2007 when my uncle’s two-year old kid died. I had spent my entire holidays with her. I cried for hours. That’s the only time I ever remember crying so much. Most times, I am numb and keep trying to rationalize it that the person can be gone. It is too early. They are too young. They have so much to do.

I have suffered two tragic losses this past month. The first Lady and I rode the BRT everyday to work. She was my constant gist buddy for the long hours of traffic. We were as different as night and day, but we got along splendidly. We lost touch when she changed jobs and moved out-of-state, but we communicated on Facebook. It was through Facebook I also found out about her passing after a brief illness. She was only 32. Life is not fair.
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I lost another friend yesterday. This one is particularly dear to me. I had featured her and her designs in one of my earliest post on this blog.Europeans invented fashion. Nigerians re-invented style She was a fast growing fashion designer poised to be a mega star. She was the one who designed the outfits my hostesses wore on my wedding. she was my friend. She was my sister. Married over five years without an issue, it crushes me even more that there is no little one to carry on her legacy. Life is not fair

RIP Aty Lucee.....God knows best.....

Rest in peace Ladies. You shall be missed.

Continuing the circle of domestic violence

A friend of mine contacted me last week asking for information as how to obtain a divorce in Nigeria. I have not practiced in over 2 years but I dealt with a lot of divorce matters in my time. I was able to tell her what she needed and directed her to a lawyer. I was very curious but I knew I couldn’t ask. This young lady got married last year and just had a kid five weeks ago, so I was praying it was not for her. I forgot about it until yesterday when she contacted me again asking for more details, specifically grounds for divorce. At this point, I had to ask if she was ok. She replied that she was not. She then went into the sad but familiar story of domestic violence. Her husband had been using her as a punching bag for months now and she had endured it, according to her, for the sake of the pregnancy (which made little sense to me, because her being pregnant even puts her at more risk, but to each his own). She said one month after her caesarean, he beat her up again in the presence of his mother and she knew she could not deal with it any longer.

I asked her where she was and she said she was at her aunt’s home with the baby. Bewildered, I enquired why she was not with her parents and this was her response (I have her permission to quote her verbatim. I removed all my questions to her for easy reading) Continue reading

He is attracted to his wife’s best friend. Should he tell his wife?

Hello everyone. I stumbled upon the post on Nairaland, Nigeria’s number one public forum and my favorite pastime. This poster was having a problem and decided to ask for advice from the forum.

Really I don’t know how to start this or how it all began, don’t get me wrong I love my wife and still do and would never want to do anything to hurt her(i hope because am really scared now).
we have been married for 8 years now with two kids to show for it, her friend whom we have all come to take as a family friend has always been part of our lives but of recent since last year I have found out i am getting so attracted to her(actually I used to like her before she became friends with my wife in my bachelor days but I never told my wife this).
To be frank when I started dating my wife I decided to take her friend as a sister, with time she and my wife became best of friends, and she has always been helpful to our family and kids.
But since last year I have been having this burning desire for her (I don’t know why)maybe because she has become more beautiful over the years, and to make matters worse she is always in our house to see us and spend time with us, these days I look for excuses to leave the house whenever she is around cause I find myself stealing looks at, I don’t look at her as a sister anymore but as someone I want to sleep with and the desire is burning so much and I don’t like it one bit. please what is happening to me?

Now as usual, everyone rallied to give their advice and opinion in the most humorous way possible. Some entered into a side argument as to who has a higher libido, men or women. Then some began to advise the guy to tell his wife so she has limit the friend’s visit. I considered it the WORST idea ever!! ( I can just imagine my hubby coming to tell me he is sexually attracted to my friend………I will be listening and nodding my head while silently reaching for a bottle to break his head with). Now some people agreed with me stating that there is NO possible way to say it to the wife. The proponent of the idea then painted a scenario.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: Fearing the worst… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife: Obviously now frantic… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Woman: Yes. And?

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything that would jeopardize our marriage, much less my love for you. I would rather she stops visiting us altogether.

Wife: (Exhales deeply with relief and sends out a silent prayer of thanks)… Gosh, is that it? Lol! You got me scared! Yes, if that’s how you feel, I understand. Don’t worry, it’s all in hand baby.

Wifey nudges closer to hubby and kisses him tenderly…hubby responds with fervor and they both clasp each other in the wake of their rising passion…

***Curtains drawn!***

sarcasm smiley

Now the original poster, for some reason, considered this a fantastic idea and was considering trying it. Then another poster wrote a more realistic scenario that had me bursting into hysterics at 4.00 a.m in the morning and jealous with envy that I didn’t come up with it first.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: (Fearing the worst)… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife:( Obviously now frantic)… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Wife: Yes. And? Wait…Have you gotten the maid pregnant?!?

Man: What? No!

Wife: Well then what is it? Spit it out!

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything ….

Wife: Anything like what? Anything like what?! What have you and Ann been up to??

Man: N…Nothing! I’m just trying to say I’m not comfortable with her and I don’t want to be tempted to do anything that would jeopardize our marriage…

Woman (Pauses and looks at man)..: OMG! YOu are attracted to Ann? You no-good bit.ch azz modaf$*er! My BEST Friend? Have you no shame?! You &&(%(unprintable)%(##@!~!! Asshol@! No wonder you were eying her that day we were playing scrabble! Did you let her win on purpose?? Well did you?!

Man: Please calm down. It’s not like I’ve done anything yet…

Woman: Ooooooh! You want me to wait till you do something? How can I ever trust you? In fact am gonna call ann up right now and give her a piece of my mind, that two timing, bicch=-azz %*%$*$!!!

Wife continues in destructo mode and husband wishes he had never taken advise from nairaland…

***Curtains drawn!***
lmao
So which scenario is more likely? Should he tell his wifey? Drop a comment below

The Childless Nigerian Wife

I came across this post from my one of my favourite bloggers and friend Ilsa Aida and it inspired me to write this. Here are a few excerpts

That beautiful day arrives. You dance, you are excited, you feel beautiful, finally you have been joined at the hip with the man of your dreams (or so you think)

Days pass, months crystallize into years and they begin to look at you. Your spouse begins to look at you because you have not uttered the words ‘I am pregnant’ Both families begin to give advice about how to get pregnant, you struggle with what to do while trying to stand firm on your beliefs.

When all you really want to do is run, run and stay on a bed forever.

Now and again, you are reminded that you are barren and little by little even your spouse begins to discount you as a human being. You are strong, so you must be strong.

Then in a moment of clarity in between your depression, you wonder where the ‘better for worse’ is.

You wonder if you have ever been really loved, you wonder if all the ceremony was for show. Truth is, you were married to provide a warm body and birth heirs to brag about.

Your sense of identity is lost because in your refusal to provide a child, you are not relevant in the scheme of things and everything you do is constantly weighed against the fact that you have not borne a child.

for more, visit http://ilsa-aida.blogspot.com/

Now, I have a lot of amazing friends who would make amazing wives but for some reason, are yet to settle down. Then there are those amazing friends who have settled down and would make amazing mothers but they are not yet blessed with the fruit of the womb. I see them running from pillar to post, from one fertility clinic to another and my heart breaks for them. I find myself questioning God (I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it) why children are born into abusive poverty-stricken home with only a bleak future awaiting them and not in loving home so desperate for them.

Honestly, I cannot imagine what these women go through. They have to put a brave face to the world while their heart aches. They have to smile and rejoice as their friends and others who married years after them give birth. They turn to God in fervent prayers, wishing with all their heart and soul that they don’t see their period the next month. And when the period comes, the depression sets in month after month after month. The pressure that the husband faces to be strong for the two of them, to comfort her, placate her and make her feel secure. There are many Nigerian men who stand with their wives in this trying times, but there are so many more who crack. They question the wife’s history and assume promiscuity , they put her down, they kill her spirit and sometimes (if they are not the one with the problem) they get another girl pregnant.

The level of wickedness that a childless Nigerian woman sometimes faces from her own fellow woman is unbelievable. Even those with wonderful mother in-laws begin to feel the brunt when years pass without a child. They begin to ask questions. Some want to find out if there is something spiritually wrong. Others get downright hostile. In gatherings, women constantly talk about the achievement of their kids in the midst of the childless one. I am not saying that you are not allowed to celebrate or be proud of your kid simply because someone else is yet to have, but a lot of tact is required in such circumstances.

I know a lot of my readers would probably be wondering ‘What is the big deal? Adopt already!! Use a surrogate or something’. These are excellent choices but Nigeria is still a long way from this. Thankfully IVF is catching on and more couples are going for it. However, it is very expensive and sometimes it does not work, discouraging a lot of people from trying. There are a lot of abandoned kids just looking for a home but the average woman wants to carry and birth her kid. And who can blame her?

I say a long deep prayer to all the ladies looking for a child. It is not easy to be patient and no one would ever understand how hard it is. All one can do is empathize. Please be brave ladies. God is not asleep and he will work, but don’t sit on your hands waiting. Get proactive, get fit and visit the fertility clinics. Baby dust to the childless Nigerian wife.

Musing of this Wrestling Fan………..

On Sunday 6th of April, My heart, as well as millions and millions of Wrestling fans’ hearts, was crushed. For some reason the WWE decided that the streak of the Undertaker had to end at all. For some reason, it decided it was not going to be 22-0 but 21-1.

Undertaker-lose-Lesnar-Wrestlemania-fan-reaction-1
The reaction on all our faces

Every wrestling fan knows that for the past 21 years at WrestleMania, the Undertaker….the phenom….the dead man wins. It is the highlight of the event. We have come to expect it. Yea, there is an element of predictability, but the matches are always awesome and there is always plenty of heart stopping moments where we think OMG he might just lose it, but he never does. Until…….. 2014 that is. I think what bugs people the most is who he lost it to. Brock Lesnar, a wrestler who left the WWE, badmouthed them when he was away, returned after being offered a huge sum of money and then wrestles 3 pay per views a year. He just was not worthy to break the streak. He didn’t deserve it.

However, I do realize that the dead man isn’t as young as he used to be. I do realize he is very sick. Age and numerous injuries have taken its toll on him. We will never know for sure if he intended for Brock Lesnar to end the streak or he was just too weak to carry on. Different stories abound. Personally, I always felt he should have stopped at 20. The end of an era match and the three wrestlers (Triple H, Shawn Michael and the Undertaker) walking out, supporting each other was perfection and was, in my view, ruined by the CM Punk 21-0, but that’s water under the bridge.

I pondered what WrestleMania would be like without the streak. However, I was treated to the most exciting Raw I have ever seen in a long time, Paige winning diva title, Cesaro, the king of swing with Paul Heyman and the new war between the Authority and the shield. It made me realize the Undertaker’s time has passed. He is a legend and would always be remembered for his amazing service, but it is time for the young blood. And if what I watched on Raw is a sign of things to come, this new era may just be awesome.

In other news, Rest in Peace Ultimate Warriorultimate_warrior