The Trials of Fatimah- the struggles of an orobo Part 6

Sorry, I had to pause the story for a while. Some wise guy was posting my story on his blog under the title “The fat diaries of kike’ (not a bad title). So I patiently put it on hold so and I cheerfully waited to see what he would post next. His readers were on his case anxiously awaiting the next episode. I kept commenting asking for the next episode on every single article he posted (I think i have a slightly sadistic side. hehehe). Anyways, I am bored with that now, so i am going to continue. I realise it is hard to control content on the web, so i am not going to make a big deal about it………..yet) Meanwhile 99th Posts. HUrrraaayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Continue reading

Continuing the circle of domestic violence

A friend of mine contacted me last week asking for information as how to obtain a divorce in Nigeria. I have not practiced in over 2 years but I dealt with a lot of divorce matters in my time. I was able to tell her what she needed and directed her to a lawyer. I was very curious but I knew I couldn’t ask. This young lady got married last year and just had a kid five weeks ago, so I was praying it was not for her. I forgot about it until yesterday when she contacted me again asking for more details, specifically grounds for divorce. At this point, I had to ask if she was ok. She replied that she was not. She then went into the sad but familiar story of domestic violence. Her husband had been using her as a punching bag for months now and she had endured it, according to her, for the sake of the pregnancy (which made little sense to me, because her being pregnant even puts her at more risk, but to each his own). She said one month after her caesarean, he beat her up again in the presence of his mother and she knew she could not deal with it any longer.

I asked her where she was and she said she was at her aunt’s home with the baby. Bewildered, I enquired why she was not with her parents and this was her response (I have her permission to quote her verbatim. I removed all my questions to her for easy reading) Continue reading

He is attracted to his wife’s best friend. Should he tell his wife?

Hello everyone. I stumbled upon the post on Nairaland, Nigeria’s number one public forum and my favorite pastime. This poster was having a problem and decided to ask for advice from the forum.

Really I don’t know how to start this or how it all began, don’t get me wrong I love my wife and still do and would never want to do anything to hurt her(i hope because am really scared now).
we have been married for 8 years now with two kids to show for it, her friend whom we have all come to take as a family friend has always been part of our lives but of recent since last year I have found out i am getting so attracted to her(actually I used to like her before she became friends with my wife in my bachelor days but I never told my wife this).
To be frank when I started dating my wife I decided to take her friend as a sister, with time she and my wife became best of friends, and she has always been helpful to our family and kids.
But since last year I have been having this burning desire for her (I don’t know why)maybe because she has become more beautiful over the years, and to make matters worse she is always in our house to see us and spend time with us, these days I look for excuses to leave the house whenever she is around cause I find myself stealing looks at, I don’t look at her as a sister anymore but as someone I want to sleep with and the desire is burning so much and I don’t like it one bit. please what is happening to me?

Now as usual, everyone rallied to give their advice and opinion in the most humorous way possible. Some entered into a side argument as to who has a higher libido, men or women. Then some began to advise the guy to tell his wife so she has limit the friend’s visit. I considered it the WORST idea ever!! ( I can just imagine my hubby coming to tell me he is sexually attracted to my friend………I will be listening and nodding my head while silently reaching for a bottle to break his head with). Now some people agreed with me stating that there is NO possible way to say it to the wife. The proponent of the idea then painted a scenario.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: Fearing the worst… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife: Obviously now frantic… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Woman: Yes. And?

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything that would jeopardize our marriage, much less my love for you. I would rather she stops visiting us altogether.

Wife: (Exhales deeply with relief and sends out a silent prayer of thanks)… Gosh, is that it? Lol! You got me scared! Yes, if that’s how you feel, I understand. Don’t worry, it’s all in hand baby.

Wifey nudges closer to hubby and kisses him tenderly…hubby responds with fervor and they both clasp each other in the wake of their rising passion…

***Curtains drawn!***

sarcasm smiley

Now the original poster, for some reason, considered this a fantastic idea and was considering trying it. Then another poster wrote a more realistic scenario that had me bursting into hysterics at 4.00 a.m in the morning and jealous with envy that I didn’t come up with it first.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: (Fearing the worst)… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife:( Obviously now frantic)… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Wife: Yes. And? Wait…Have you gotten the maid pregnant?!?

Man: What? No!

Wife: Well then what is it? Spit it out!

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything ….

Wife: Anything like what? Anything like what?! What have you and Ann been up to??

Man: N…Nothing! I’m just trying to say I’m not comfortable with her and I don’t want to be tempted to do anything that would jeopardize our marriage…

Woman (Pauses and looks at man)..: OMG! YOu are attracted to Ann? You no-good bit.ch azz modaf$*er! My BEST Friend? Have you no shame?! You &&(%(unprintable)%(##@!~!! Asshol@! No wonder you were eying her that day we were playing scrabble! Did you let her win on purpose?? Well did you?!

Man: Please calm down. It’s not like I’ve done anything yet…

Woman: Ooooooh! You want me to wait till you do something? How can I ever trust you? In fact am gonna call ann up right now and give her a piece of my mind, that two timing, bicch=-azz %*%$*$!!!

Wife continues in destructo mode and husband wishes he had never taken advise from nairaland…

***Curtains drawn!***
lmao
So which scenario is more likely? Should he tell his wifey? Drop a comment below

The Childless Nigerian Wife

I came across this post from my one of my favourite bloggers and friend Ilsa Aida and it inspired me to write this. Here are a few excerpts

That beautiful day arrives. You dance, you are excited, you feel beautiful, finally you have been joined at the hip with the man of your dreams (or so you think)

Days pass, months crystallize into years and they begin to look at you. Your spouse begins to look at you because you have not uttered the words ‘I am pregnant’ Both families begin to give advice about how to get pregnant, you struggle with what to do while trying to stand firm on your beliefs.

When all you really want to do is run, run and stay on a bed forever.

Now and again, you are reminded that you are barren and little by little even your spouse begins to discount you as a human being. You are strong, so you must be strong.

Then in a moment of clarity in between your depression, you wonder where the ‘better for worse’ is.

You wonder if you have ever been really loved, you wonder if all the ceremony was for show. Truth is, you were married to provide a warm body and birth heirs to brag about.

Your sense of identity is lost because in your refusal to provide a child, you are not relevant in the scheme of things and everything you do is constantly weighed against the fact that you have not borne a child.

for more, visit http://ilsa-aida.blogspot.com/

Now, I have a lot of amazing friends who would make amazing wives but for some reason, are yet to settle down. Then there are those amazing friends who have settled down and would make amazing mothers but they are not yet blessed with the fruit of the womb. I see them running from pillar to post, from one fertility clinic to another and my heart breaks for them. I find myself questioning God (I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it) why children are born into abusive poverty-stricken home with only a bleak future awaiting them and not in loving home so desperate for them.

Honestly, I cannot imagine what these women go through. They have to put a brave face to the world while their heart aches. They have to smile and rejoice as their friends and others who married years after them give birth. They turn to God in fervent prayers, wishing with all their heart and soul that they don’t see their period the next month. And when the period comes, the depression sets in month after month after month. The pressure that the husband faces to be strong for the two of them, to comfort her, placate her and make her feel secure. There are many Nigerian men who stand with their wives in this trying times, but there are so many more who crack. They question the wife’s history and assume promiscuity , they put her down, they kill her spirit and sometimes (if they are not the one with the problem) they get another girl pregnant.

The level of wickedness that a childless Nigerian woman sometimes faces from her own fellow woman is unbelievable. Even those with wonderful mother in-laws begin to feel the brunt when years pass without a child. They begin to ask questions. Some want to find out if there is something spiritually wrong. Others get downright hostile. In gatherings, women constantly talk about the achievement of their kids in the midst of the childless one. I am not saying that you are not allowed to celebrate or be proud of your kid simply because someone else is yet to have, but a lot of tact is required in such circumstances.

I know a lot of my readers would probably be wondering ‘What is the big deal? Adopt already!! Use a surrogate or something’. These are excellent choices but Nigeria is still a long way from this. Thankfully IVF is catching on and more couples are going for it. However, it is very expensive and sometimes it does not work, discouraging a lot of people from trying. There are a lot of abandoned kids just looking for a home but the average woman wants to carry and birth her kid. And who can blame her?

I say a long deep prayer to all the ladies looking for a child. It is not easy to be patient and no one would ever understand how hard it is. All one can do is empathize. Please be brave ladies. God is not asleep and he will work, but don’t sit on your hands waiting. Get proactive, get fit and visit the fertility clinics. Baby dust to the childless Nigerian wife.

The title “Mrs”

Nigerians are obsessed with marriage. It is an unescapable and undeniable fact. As soon as a girl finishes the university(some even before), the questioning begins “Do you have a serious boyfriend?” Why will u bring home a man for us?” As she gets older, relatives start to broach the subject as well. As she nears her 30s, it is a ‘free for all’ From aunties to distant cousins to the mallam selling chewing gum down the road. They all begin to ask “you no go marry. Your mates don born finish”

In April and August, I have published two contrasting experiences. One was aptly titled “Single shaming”, the story of Felicia(not real name) whose siblings and friends have all gotten married. (You can read it again HERE) She felt ostracized by her best friends who didn’t invite her for their reunion and alienated by her married younger sisters. I got in contact with the now 33-year-old Felicia a few weeks ago. As much as I would have to be delivering a happily ever after story right now for Felicia, her fairy tale is still in the works. She is currently dating though. She is with a 42 year divorcee with 2 kids. It raised some red flags with me. Now I have nothing against divorcees. I have handled a lot of divorce cases in my time and I do realize being divorced doesn’t necessarily mean the party has a bad character. Sometimes people are not meant to be. HOWEVER, sometimes the divorce could be due to the character of the divorcee. I was concerned as to whether she had let the pressure get to her and is settling or genuinely ready to be with the man and become an instant mother. She assured me she was. Looking forward to the wedding bells in the future.

My next writer had no qualms about admitting she was settling. In August, Susan wrote in stating that she was about to have this huge extravagant wedding with an amazing man who loved her. The catch was she didn’t love him. Not even a little bit.(or so she says. She was waiting to feel butterflies) Her main consideration was her age. (You can also read that HERE ). Some readers advised her not to go through it. Others told her the love would grow. She went through it and even posted all the pictures on Facebook. It was truly an extravagant wedding. Yesterday, I got into a chat with her and asked if the butterflies has arrived. She ‘lol’ed and said no, but she was comfortable. Comfortable…… Not happy…. Comfortable.

Now I am not trying to poke holes in these ladies’ lives, neither am I trying to criticize their choices. I understand all too well the intense pressure of being an unmarried girl in her thirties in a country like Nigeria. A lot of hype is attached to being a ‘Mrs’ over the general happiness of the girl in question. Marriage is one of the hardest thing in the world to handle, and it takes the constant effort to make it work. So it’s not about being a ‘Mrs’ but staying a ‘Mrs’ while keeping your dignity and sanity.

Past birthday Selfies 2009-

11.12p.m It is still my birthday!!!!!!!!! (stolen from Dexter’s lab). Birthdays has always been a big deal to me and I have tried to mark it or the other………….save for this year. I was too tired from Beebee’s party to do anything significant. So I decided to share birthday selfies of the last 5 years.(well almost all were selfies. Who invented the word ‘selfies’ anyways. it sounds really silly to say)

Enjoy…..


2009

1978_53193617042_4438_n[1]
2010
22035_319437757042_6274665_n[1]
2011
181709_10150096352247043_4578346_n
2012
427454_10150572534182043_1160778975_n[1]
2013
318122_10151303237282043_2101331366_n[2]

2014
question mark

Open Letter to Aida Zoe

So my little BeeBee is 2 weeks and 4 days now (Feels way longer) It has been an interesting learning experience. Good news! I am 10kg down already. Hurray (No, I am not exercising or dieting or deliberately trying to lose weight yet. I am vain but I am not that vain). I am eating well so the baby eats well. So imagine when I start putting in some real efforts. (I have 7kg of pre pregnancy weight and 10 kg of pre Bahrain weight to lose in 2014). I gat time.

I am really so blessed. Sure, this has been a very frustrating period and I have thought of ingenious ways of killing my husband, hiding the body in the desert somewhere and collecting his life insurance (If he has one). Let’s just blame hormones. But my little one is perfect. She is so active and loves to play with her hands. She hates being swaddled and has the most adorable sleeping position. She doesn’t cry at all. She fusses when she wants to be changed or fed and just stay calm afterwards. She takes her baths, injections and massages without a whimper. My mum says I was like that (I doubt it). Everyone says she looks like me now. I can’t really tell, but if she does, I must be STUNNING.

Musing done. I came across this amazing poem on the blog of a good friend of mine. It really got to me. It is something I and I am sure billions of women around the world can relate to. You can check out her blog “Through my eyes” at http://ilsa-aida.blogspot.com The poem was aptly titled “I am waiting for you” but since it is the season for open letters in Nigeria, I am going to title it here “Open letter to Aida Zoe’. Enjoy. Hold a hankie. Continue reading

The Trials of Fatimah- the struggles of an orobo Part 3

Sorry, it has been so long since the last Fatimah update.

Excerpts from last post
“You are very pretty, Fatimah’
“No, I am not” Darn it. Me and my big mouth. A boy calls me pretty and I go ahead and deny it. Genius me, but thankfully he goes on
“Nah you are pretty. In a chubby way. And I like Chubby. Want to have lunch here tomorrow, same time?

At this point, I was speechless. He called me chubby. Not fat, not orobo, but chubby. I think I am in love. I nod my acceptance and he smiled again, shook my hand and left.

I have a date. Me! Fatimah Yusuf has a date. I am finally part of the rush. Woohooo!!!! I need another plate of rice. I cannot contain my excitement! Tomorrow is so far away.

    AND NOW
    June 28 2005

‘That’s not a date’
“of course it is.’
No, it is not. He said “want to have lunch tomorrow”. that doesn’t make it a date jo’

That’s Ngozi. Trying to ruin my one good moment. I had told my room mates about my date when I got back to the dorm. While Stella was excited for me (Stella is an amazing roomie, even though she did pour my miracle weight loss formula away); Bose was indifferent.(I can’t blame her. She had a lot of boys on her case. I personally think it is only because of her “assets” because I found her rather plain looking…..or maybe its my beef talking), but Ngozi took it quite personal. She decided to analyze the circumstances and the words spoken to decipher if it was truly a date. According to her, the tone did not indicate a romantic overture, the school café is the most inappropriate place for a date as it was too public and the third unspoken reason(in my head at least was that she felt that I was too fat for anyone to want to go on a date with) I was getting mad, as she kept pushing but I knew I had the perfect come back

‘So when Oke invited you for the weekend and you didn’t let us hear word about the date, but it turns out that two of his friends and their girlfriends were also there. Then, according to your analogy, it was not a date either since it was not romantic enough as four other people were there abi. Didn’t the boys share one room and the girls shared another?’

Continue reading

Do NOT tweet/post/blog about everything you THINK!!!!

The above title seems pretty obvious with “Duhhhh!!” being the appropriate response, but history has shown that people do not think before publicly posting what they think (ha ha! see what I did there). Case in Point, the girl of the moment ( and arguably the most hated woman on the internet….currently) Silly Justine Sacco. By now, you all have heard her tale. No? Well, Silly Justine Sacco, a PR Executive for Interactive Corp, was on her way to South Africa for the holidays and for some reason, felt the need to tweet this.

1477494_justine-sacco-photos-1_jpg034a4d9588ed9f409414b7c0ebcdbaf9

My first reaction to this was ‘You silly silly girl. You don enter am’ And I was right. Her tweet blew up all over the ‘twitter verse’ with over 3,000 retweets. Poor silly Justine Sacco couldn’t even take it down on time because she was already air-borne. The backlash was so bad that her company had to release a statement dissociating themselves from her. Did I mention she got fired? Well, she got fired.

Continue reading

The Rush to Obodo Oyinbo 2; I still don’t Understand

It has been 40 days since my last post. The reason behind my erratic posting shall be explained shortly………..(smiles a mysterious smile full of mystery….)
(360x640 Crappy End to the Series.
Remember a few months ago, I posted about a young man who wanted to travel to give an agent 5,000 dollars to get him a three-year work permit? You can read on that here. I have not followed up on that anymore because it seems as if the young man is now interested in being an agent himself. His BB status now reads ‘2 year visa to Turkey, Employment guaranteed. If not, money returned.” I am/was extremely curious as how one who, just a few months ago, was struggling with a decision to travel abroad and has not even confirmed the legitimacy of his own arrangement would be pushing others to come and risk their money based on someone’s words. However, I have refrained from asking him as I do not wish to get involved and entangled in whatever scheme he is cooking up. It is none of my business and I no wan know.

Why did I bring this up again? Quite recently, I heard the gist about a young lady (OND holder) brought here to work as a house maid. That’s right, a HOUSE MAID. Now, as welcoming and as nice as I have found Arabs to be, they don’t have the best records when dealing with their foreign domestic help. Every once in a while, there is a report about a house maid who commits suicide because of the treatment from her employers; their passports are usually seized and their salaries can barely sustain them, more less sending home to their families. This young LITERATE girl (who must have paid a lot of money to come here) decides to sign a contract tying her down for two years. Not only that, that same contract forbade her from having interactions with anyone. Who signs a thing like that? When billions are not involved. As expected, she wants help getting out, which may not have been so difficult as Bahrain authorities are very sensitive about the house-girl/slavery issue and may make her employers release her, but the young lady STILL wants to remain in the country. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Continue reading