HERA PEREIRA IS TWO YEARS OLD…… and only 104 posts young…..Yeah I deserve sweetchin music

Hello I am Hera (chorus – Hi Hera)…. I am a terrible blogger…….

I must have left down a lot of my readers. Who can blame them? My inconsistency is disgraceful…… If there was a blogging association, I will have been expelled and thrown in a dungeon filled with miniature kaijuns (yeah, I just watched Pacific Rim…..I really liked it……)

ok…Two years….My baby blog. I never did let you mature and reach your full potential. I goofed big time….but I took out time to do something special for you. I contacted some of the people who wrote to you and shared their life with you to see how they were doing. Didnt get through to all but the ones that responded…..boy have I gotten some juicy tales for you……

Happy two-year anniversary to me…..sigh…..I am a terrible blogger…..


SWEET CHIN MUSICsweet chin music property of WWE

He is attracted to his wife’s best friend. Should he tell his wife?

Hello everyone. I stumbled upon the post on Nairaland, Nigeria’s number one public forum and my favorite pastime. This poster was having a problem and decided to ask for advice from the forum.

Really I don’t know how to start this or how it all began, don’t get me wrong I love my wife and still do and would never want to do anything to hurt her(i hope because am really scared now).
we have been married for 8 years now with two kids to show for it, her friend whom we have all come to take as a family friend has always been part of our lives but of recent since last year I have found out i am getting so attracted to her(actually I used to like her before she became friends with my wife in my bachelor days but I never told my wife this).
To be frank when I started dating my wife I decided to take her friend as a sister, with time she and my wife became best of friends, and she has always been helpful to our family and kids.
But since last year I have been having this burning desire for her (I don’t know why)maybe because she has become more beautiful over the years, and to make matters worse she is always in our house to see us and spend time with us, these days I look for excuses to leave the house whenever she is around cause I find myself stealing looks at, I don’t look at her as a sister anymore but as someone I want to sleep with and the desire is burning so much and I don’t like it one bit. please what is happening to me?

Now as usual, everyone rallied to give their advice and opinion in the most humorous way possible. Some entered into a side argument as to who has a higher libido, men or women. Then some began to advise the guy to tell his wife so she has limit the friend’s visit. I considered it the WORST idea ever!! ( I can just imagine my hubby coming to tell me he is sexually attracted to my friend………I will be listening and nodding my head while silently reaching for a bottle to break his head with). Now some people agreed with me stating that there is NO possible way to say it to the wife. The proponent of the idea then painted a scenario.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: Fearing the worst… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife: Obviously now frantic… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Woman: Yes. And?

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything that would jeopardize our marriage, much less my love for you. I would rather she stops visiting us altogether.

Wife: (Exhales deeply with relief and sends out a silent prayer of thanks)… Gosh, is that it? Lol! You got me scared! Yes, if that’s how you feel, I understand. Don’t worry, it’s all in hand baby.

Wifey nudges closer to hubby and kisses him tenderly…hubby responds with fervor and they both clasp each other in the wake of their rising passion…

***Curtains drawn!***

sarcasm smiley

Now the original poster, for some reason, considered this a fantastic idea and was considering trying it. Then another poster wrote a more realistic scenario that had me bursting into hysterics at 4.00 a.m in the morning and jealous with envy that I didn’t come up with it first.

Man: Babes, there’s something I’ve got to tell you

Wife: Hmm? What’s it darling?

Man: (Sits at the edge of their bed, places both hands on his bowed head and adopts a posture of utter dejection)…It’s eating me up here babes.

Wife: (Fearing the worst)… What is it? Pls don’t hold back. Is it bad news??

Man: Silently shakes his head. You’re gonna hate me. I can’t even find the words to tell you.

Wife:( Obviously now frantic)… Just tell me, abeg!

Man: Darling, you know how much I love you, don’t you?

Wife: Yes. And? Wait…Have you gotten the maid pregnant?!?

Man: What? No!

Wife: Well then what is it? Spit it out!

Man: Well, it’s to do with your friend Ann (or whatever her name is)

Woman: What about her?

Man: I don’t feel comfortable around her in our home. Yes, I know she is your friend, but I am a man and I don’t want to be tempted into doing anything ….

Wife: Anything like what? Anything like what?! What have you and Ann been up to??

Man: N…Nothing! I’m just trying to say I’m not comfortable with her and I don’t want to be tempted to do anything that would jeopardize our marriage…

Woman (Pauses and looks at man)..: OMG! YOu are attracted to Ann? You no-good bit.ch azz modaf$*er! My BEST Friend? Have you no shame?! You &&(%(unprintable)%(##@!~!! Asshol@! No wonder you were eying her that day we were playing scrabble! Did you let her win on purpose?? Well did you?!

Man: Please calm down. It’s not like I’ve done anything yet…

Woman: Ooooooh! You want me to wait till you do something? How can I ever trust you? In fact am gonna call ann up right now and give her a piece of my mind, that two timing, bicch=-azz %*%$*$!!!

Wife continues in destructo mode and husband wishes he had never taken advise from nairaland…

***Curtains drawn!***
So which scenario is more likely? Should he tell his wifey? Drop a comment below

The Trials of Fatimah- the struggles of an orobo Part 3

Sorry, it has been so long since the last Fatimah update.

Excerpts from last post
“You are very pretty, Fatimah’
“No, I am not” Darn it. Me and my big mouth. A boy calls me pretty and I go ahead and deny it. Genius me, but thankfully he goes on
“Nah you are pretty. In a chubby way. And I like Chubby. Want to have lunch here tomorrow, same time?

At this point, I was speechless. He called me chubby. Not fat, not orobo, but chubby. I think I am in love. I nod my acceptance and he smiled again, shook my hand and left.

I have a date. Me! Fatimah Yusuf has a date. I am finally part of the rush. Woohooo!!!! I need another plate of rice. I cannot contain my excitement! Tomorrow is so far away.

    June 28 2005

‘That’s not a date’
“of course it is.’
No, it is not. He said “want to have lunch tomorrow”. that doesn’t make it a date jo’

That’s Ngozi. Trying to ruin my one good moment. I had told my room mates about my date when I got back to the dorm. While Stella was excited for me (Stella is an amazing roomie, even though she did pour my miracle weight loss formula away); Bose was indifferent.(I can’t blame her. She had a lot of boys on her case. I personally think it is only because of her “assets” because I found her rather plain looking…..or maybe its my beef talking), but Ngozi took it quite personal. She decided to analyze the circumstances and the words spoken to decipher if it was truly a date. According to her, the tone did not indicate a romantic overture, the school café is the most inappropriate place for a date as it was too public and the third unspoken reason(in my head at least was that she felt that I was too fat for anyone to want to go on a date with) I was getting mad, as she kept pushing but I knew I had the perfect come back

‘So when Oke invited you for the weekend and you didn’t let us hear word about the date, but it turns out that two of his friends and their girlfriends were also there. Then, according to your analogy, it was not a date either since it was not romantic enough as four other people were there abi. Didn’t the boys share one room and the girls shared another?’

Continue reading

Sarcastic one liners at its finest………..According to Me!

So I have been told that my updates are too long. I am sorry(…No, I am not). I can’t help it(….Yes I can). When I go to the bookstore to buy a novel, I go for the heaviest one because it would take a longer time to read. So I like things Long………….but I will “try” to keep this short.

So I have been watching a lot of Judge Judy of late. (I was a Judge Milian groupie because I thought Judge Judy was too mean), But she has won me over. I think both women are witty and sarcastic geniuses.

judge judyjudge milian

Now inspired by them and the queen of sarcasm Ardenrr, I put together a short list of one liners that I believe are some of the most subtle yet potent insults ever.

Unfortunately, I haven’t really gotten to use them for two reasons

1. I am a nice girl (…..cough) and I think the recipient may be offended (but I still find them hilarious)

2. Or even worse, the recipient may not get it and won’t be offended. There is nothing I hate more (as I had stated here) than when people don’t get sarcasm.

sarcasm smiley

So Here goes………….

I don’t think you are a fool, but what’s my opinion compared to that of thousands of others.

Do you get laughed at a lot and never know why?

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

I like you. Everyone says I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

I would have liked to insult you, but the sad reality is that you wouldn’t understand me.

People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I used to be pro-life until I met you.

you grow on people, but so does cancer.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.

I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Comment below and share your favourite one liner

The Liebster Awards, I will start by thanking my Mo….Wait!!!! Where is my Trophy?

So I was nominated for the Liebster Award by Ardenrr. Now I have no idea what that means, but hey it is an award, so I was super excited. I mean someone likes me. Someone really likes me. I should have paid more attention to the message sent, but all I could think was “Someone likes me, someone really likes me. Then I read her award speech, and I was like …………..aahhhhhh

In few words, Liebster Award is an award to recognize new bloggers. You are only supposed to nominate blogs with less than 200 followers. The rules of the awards are

•Post the award image on your blog — check!
•List 11 random facts about yourself — 11……..only?

•Answer the 11 questions asked by the person/people who nominated you — I can only imagine the questions from Ardenrr. I am in for it.
•Make up 11 questions for those to be nominated — 11 questions. Chei!!
•Nominate 11 people to receive the award. They should have fewer than 200 followers on their blog — Ha Ha! I can punish 11 other people too. That is if I have that many…..
•If you’re nominated, your name and/or link will appear at the bottom of this post.

So as much I love being nominated, it just seems like a lot of work. Phew. But as a true sports woman, here goes.

11 random things.
1. I really like and hate Toddlers and Tiara
Toddlers-and-tiaras Creepy. And she is Real.
2. I secretly wish I could become a wwe diva
3. I sometimes think I am an Alien who has lost her memory and is waiting for her mothership
4. I believe I am a very good fighter but I have never been involved in one. So I may be wrong(Unlikely)
5. I hate the title “Home maker’. Say it as it is…. ‘House wife’ or House Husband’. Don’t sugarcoat it
6. I always wanted to have a really huge dog that would listen to only me
7. I love love love Hindi movies
8. I have watched so many TV series that I wait a couple of years before starting another one so I have season one and two at my disposal.
9. I really want the super power of being able to eat what i like without gaining weight
10. As much as I enjoy blogging, I am also terrified that people would not be interested in my articles.
11. My mother made me read Law because she said I talked too much. As much as I now love it, My dream profession will always be to become An Indian Heroine (I am Nigerian, but running round mountains and singing appeals to me)

madhuri-dixit-and-sridevi-dance-jhalak-dikhhla-jaa-5-grand-finaleHon My pathetic imitation

Now that wasn’t so hard. Now to answer the questions

•If you could fork-stab one person with no repercussions, would you do it? Who would it be? Just One Person?? Darn it. Definitely. Person. One word. Ebele
•How long have you been blogging? 2 months today yahhhhhhh
•If you could get back one thing you’ve lost, what would it be? My old figure………..at eh…..16
•Do you watch porn? Well, I cannot admit that I don’t hate to not watch because it will be admitting to not watching when I may actually be watching which it may not be
•What is your favorite hobby (besides blogging) Playing games, PC or PS
•Do you have any pets? If so, please post a picture, especially if it’s a sloth. No pets. No sloths. Sorry. A sloth seems like a cool pet though. We have two fish once. Hassan and Hussien. We left them in the car during a Move and the Hot Arab Sun………….sob………….
•Do you always wash your hands after using the restroom? Yep! I Think.
•If you could move anywhere you have already visited, where would that be? Already Visited……..Can’t think of such a place.
•What is your favorite TV show that is currently airing and why should I watch it? Supernatural. Two words. Dean Winchester. Seriously, it is an awesome show….Demons, angels, shapeshifters,witches, wendigoes…..Anyone who loves the supernatural would love….Supernatural
Do you hate your job? If so, what would you rather be doing? No. But see No 11 of my Random things
Are you starting to hate this as much as I am? It is exhausting. I hate you

So these are My Nominees. Now I don’t know If I have up to 11 bloggers that need this because most of the blogs I follow seem well established, but I will give it my best shot.

Sandra _ One of the most gorgeous people I have ever met. She writes on the beauty and maintenance of Natural Hair. She has me considering cutting off my hair, which isn’t long to begin with and starting el naturale(did I spell this right)

Harsh Reality I simply love this blog. The wit. The sarcasm. Timeless

Ilsa Aida – A Plus size Diva. She writes almost as good as me. (I am going to get a tongue lashing for that). But Seriously Things seen through her eyes makes for an awesome read

kemmy Mum to the best behaved Two year old I know. she constantly features my articles on her blog and says that I write like a dream, so she is a plus one in my book.

Frieda I hate her because she has a figure that I could only get with the use of a superpower. A fashionista and a humanitarian, her blog is simply a good read

VisaLusden Simply Because I love any body trying to better themselves

I relateShe introduced me to the world of Blogging. I read her articles everyday.

Event Finesse I like weddings. She does Weddings.

I am sorry. This is the best of I could do………… I am officially exhausted. Oh wait! I am not done. Still have to send 11 questions. Perfect!!!

What is your greatest Phobia?
If you were a super hero, who would you be?
Do you hate to type?
What is your favourite love story?
Zombies or Vampires?
If the world was coming to an end in 10 minutes, what would be your last meal?
Would you kill Hitler if you had the chance to time travel and meet him as a baby?
Do you think people in the world worry too much?
What is your drink of choice?
Do you find the terms of this award exhausting?
Do you like me? Only one answer available here.

So Congrats “winners” . Waiting to see your responses.