The bridesmaid specialist is now the bride

Hello people. Remember I posted an article a lifetime ago about how my sister was always asked to be a bridesmaid and I never was…..almost never was. read that HERE . I am excited to announce that the bridesmaid specialist is now the bride.. hurray. This weekend, a wise wise young guy took another of the Idrisu girl as a wife. (We Idrisu girls are very special with a heart of gold…. though I like to think that mine is more of titanium mixed with a little platinum with just a hint of………..what was I again?)

Ahaaa the wedding….Thanks to our relocation which was very timely, I was able to attend the ceremony. Considering how vain I am, I was determined to look fabulous to all the aunties and uncles who had not seen me in years. I have worked relatively hard all year to lose the baby weight and I was a few kg shy of my ultimate goal but alas! I try if I do say so myself. Continue reading

My Judgmental Friend ruined one of the best Moments of my Life

Hello everyone. So the The dogs of Al Burhama are back again and even more organized. As I was preparing breakfast for my boss, I noticed another boss(dog) accompanied by two other smaller dogs. They were racing towards something, barking ferociously. Their target turned out to be two other dogs behind a net fence. Obviously the dogs could not get at each other and just kept on barking. For some reason ‘Westside Story’ came to mind. These dogs are the rival gangs and there are probably some poodles on both sides, in a doomed love affair. I strained to see if there were any dogs brooding close by, not involved in the confrontation. I couldn’t see any.(Perhaps this is just Scene one). Will keep an eye out for Scene two. (the height of joblessness)

crazy dogs

Rambling done. I received a mail two days ago. It was an online conversation between two girls that used to be close friends in school.

(Conversation is as is, except for the name changes and the removal of smileys)
Grace- I just had a baby!
Helen- Wait! What??
Grace- lol
Helen- Babe, you didn’t even invite me to the wedding.
Helen- Hello???
Grace- Babes, I am not married
Helen- Excuse me????
Grace- It is complicated
Helen- What nonsense is this? Were you raped? If na play, stop am
Grace- Nonsense. Are you calling my baby nonsense. Rape? God forbid!
Helen- This is absolutely nonsense. You are telling me that you have a baby and you are not married. What is wrong with you? You that used to be a senior member in fellowship back in school. You that used to stand on the podium and preach to the girls to abstain from sex. You can now open your mouth to not only tell me that you are having sex while not married but that you have a baby too. I am bitterly disappointed in you.
Grace- What is all this na? As my close friend, I expect you to be supportive at least. I don’t need this condemnation from you. What are you ruining the moment?
Helen- You are a single mother. You want me to support that? Babe, we only became friends because we had similar principles about life, sex and marriage. You started all this. You didn’t tell me at all for 9 months and you expect support.
Grace- This is why I didn’t tell you. You are so judgmental
Helen You for no bother tell me at all ooo! Don’t you feel shame??
Grace- What? Go to hell jare!!! Good bye

Grace sent in this conversation with a single message. Why are people so judgmental??.

Continue reading

I hate my sister. She ruined my life 2. Her Sister’s Response

Three days ago when I first published Bunmi’s story, I got a couple of mails from readers who wanted to hear the sister’s side of the tale. I thought it was a bad idea and would be very intrusive. Against my better judgement, I asked Bunmi if I could get in contact with her sister. I expected a resounding ‘Hell No’, but instead she gave me her email address (the fact that she still has her sister’s email after 5 years of supposed ‘hatred’ says something). So, I emailed the sister, told her about the blog and her sister’s feelings. Her immediate response was if the sister did not deem it fit to talk to her face to face and instead decided to write to a blog, she had nothing to say. I thanked her and dropped it with a huge sigh of relief. Then an hour later, she e-mailed me again asking if her sister did write all that or if I embellished the story. I told her, I reconstructed the paragraphs but there was no embellishment. At this point, she asked if I was on Yahoo Messenger. I didn’t know that still existed but I said yes.

Now we chatted for over an hour. She brought up a lot of new issues, but I am only going to publish her response to her sister’s accusations. This is a summary of ‘Dupe’s’ side to this story.

My sister and I were quite close growing up. We had a good relationship. I was always stealing her clothes. We fought. We played. normal normal. My sister put on a lot of weight at a time. I didn’t. I think that is when we began to have a little bit of serious friction beyond normal sister fighting because she started saying some mean things. But it was nothing serious. Then this guy came along. Let’s call him Desmond. Desmond was a very ok guy. Good job, good house. I was happy for my sister that she has found someone to marry. We used to hang out together, the two of them and me and my now fiance. I began to notice something off about him. He had the nastiest mouth ever. He was always rude to the three of us, including her and said nasty things to complete strangers. More than 3 occasions, Desmond had gotten into fights when we were there and Goodness knows how many when we were not there. He was borderline rude to my folks and my sister knew all this, but for some reason, she seemed ok with it. I was not. I had a very bad vibe and I knew if he could do this to strangers, imagine what he would do to her if they marry. I talked to her. She said he was good to her and that’s all that matters. Yes, I did discuss the matter with two female cousins who we were also very close with and were older than her because obviously she was not listening to me. I did not go about badmouthing him, but I guess the gist spread. Yes it was partially my fault, I will agree but my intentions were good.

Continue reading

My Brothers Beat Up My Husband.

So I have been having a strange week. I was completely uninspired to blog, yet I spend all day in front of my laptop. I have not left the house in over a week. I got this mail 3 days ago and I have been staring at it for a while, thinking of the direction to take. Today, I snapped out of it…finally. Here is Kehinde’s dilemma.

Hello Mrs Hera Pereira,

Good morning. Stumbled upon your blog. I like the relationship advice you give. I am a newly married lady and I am having a crisis. Recently, my husband and I had a fight. I said some things. He said some things. He walked out of the room because he was really angry and I know he is not really a confrontational kind of guy. I followed him yelling as he went to the guest room. He slammed the door on my face. It was not intentional but it did give me a black eye. I made the mistake of going to my parent’s house and my elder brothers saw it. I have three brothers and I am the only girl. I am sort of a miracle baby and they really dote on me. Two of them stormed over to my place, without hearing what happened and despite pleadings from my parents, the eldest brother and myself. They really roughed up my husband and caused a huge scene. The police were called in and my brothers were arrested. The following morning, My father had called my husband to apologize and asked that he give the permission for their bail. My husband was obviously still furious and refused. Two hours later, he had calmed down and called my father back. He apologised for being rude earlier and said he was on his way to secure their bail. However, he had deeply offended my dad. My dad is an elderly yoruba man and respect is a big deal to him. And he never forgets.

Continue reading

SINGLE SHAMING- Over 30 and Unmarried

Dear Hera Pereira,
You don’t know me but I read your blog. The story about the Most Exclusive Club Poo really got to me. I am 32 years old and unmarried. All my besties (5 of them) are married. Some have kids and others are expecting. Just found out last week that they had a reunion of sorts last week and I wasn’t invited, even though we all stay in lagos and have no issues. I felt really hurt. It’s really hard being over 30 and not married. Everyone assumes you messed up your chances. I was in a relationship for 9 years and he left to marry someone younger. Since then, I haven’t gotten anyone that I want to be married to. My parents are making my life a living hell and so are my relations. I have become the brunt of jokes at family gatherings. My two younger sisters got married at 23 and 26. They are supposed to be there for me, but are even worse, calling me ‘old cargo’ and telling me to ‘go and marry’. They claim they are only joking. I am a good person and I know my husband will come, but it is so so so hard living each day. Please could you write an article to address this? Thank you

Felicia (not real name)

I became very sad reading this mail because I have friends in the same boat. Now I cannot personally relate with the feeling as I had gotten married at 25, but I do understand a bit of the pressure foisted on girls. So, I decided to do some research by asking some people on the view at the topic. I got interesting and diverse feedbacks.

It quickly became obvious that majority of my contributors believed the girl must have messed up somewhere. They believed that it is always the girl’s fault and gave a list of likely scenarios.
1. Some guy were serious about them, but because the guy wasn’t buoyant, he was kicked to the curb;
2. They were wayward when younger and now are calling foul when 30 creeps up on them
3. There is obviously something wrong with their characters because no “good’ girl would be single at 30
4. They were too caught up with their careers
5. They are plain ugly. (This was from a moron)

Some believed that some guys are just asses and time wasters and that is one of the major reasons. Some girls are so stupid in love that they allow guys string them along until they have reached an age where the guys considers them too old and leaves.

Surprisingly enough,almost no one felt that perhaps they were just not ready at that time. I personally believe that every girl has a phase when they are not ready to settle down. They want to live a little before moving from one master (father) to another master (husband). (yeah it is Africa! Men are still the freaking bosses, I don’t like it but I admit that it is a man’s world). I experienced my phase back in Law School. My sister is currently experiencing her phase. Of course, the phase should not last for too long, but for some girls, it does.

Having considered the reasons why some girls hit 30 unmarried, we are going to address the pressure. Every Nigerian girl approaching a certain age gets what I call “THE TALK”. This is where your mother calls you into her room and starts asking you about your boyfriend, his intentions and when you are going to settle down. I had THE TALK at 24, which I always felt was very unfair because………….ummm….I was 24. THE TALK can be extremely uncomfortable for most girls especially as you are probably not even dating. When you hit 30, the talk becomes more and more frequent. Soon the father, aunties and any general amebo get into THE TALK. Society takes great pride in shaming single girls that are over 30. It is very sad.

At this point, some girls become very desperate. they end up settling with any one or becoming 2nd wives. One of my contributors (he is 36) says he would never marry a girl above 30 because first of all, his mother would never approve; she must be of bad character of sorts and he always smells the desperation in the ones he meets …”Like a hungry dog in a chicken pen”. I then asked him what if he meets her in the church or mosque. He exclaimed that was even worse. Such a person is either highly pretentious just to get a husband or has really done some really bad things with her life before running to God. His advise – they marry a widower, or become a 2nd wife or just concentrate on their careers and have kids. I can’t blame him much. He is a product of society.

I can only imagine how hard it is for girls to hit 30 and be unmarried, but come on people! Is it better to be married at 22 and divorced by 30? Is it better to be married at 22 and be unable to have kids until you are 30 and above? Is it better? No it is not. Life doesn’t always run smoothly. I cannot disagree that it is sometimes the lady’s fault but sometimes it isn’t. Everyone wants to have a family at the end of the day. It is not easy being the one that is subject to all the gossips because you are not married. Men do not grow on trees. Marriage is a serious business and many women do NOT want to settle and why should they. You that is pressurizing them to marry, would you come and live in their house? No, you won’t. Now I do understand that parents want the best for their kids, but making the girl feel inferior because she isn’t married is not what she needs.

As for the friends, My previous article says it all. Grow up. Treat your friends well. Set her up on dates with serious minded people if you truly care. Yes, you might know that she is to blame for not seizing the opportunities, but that was not why you become friends with her in the first place, is it? (except you don’t trust your hubby around her…food for thought)

So if you are over 30 and unmarried, take a chill pill. It’s very hard. but do not settle. It makes no sense to be married at 32 and divorced at 35. Men can sense the desperation. It is very off-putting. You might be worried about your biological clock, but Hally Berry just became pregnant again at 46, so you will be good.
And those in their 20s, don’t waste your youth. We are women. God gave us the ability to multi-task. Work on your career and work on building relationship with good guys. Don’t be blinded by love o. You can spot time wasters. shake them off and move on with your life. If the guy who is good for you isn’t where you need him to be, there is nothing wrong in helping him in whatever way you can. And those who spend their youths on a wayward path,(my experience has always been that the ‘runs’ girls marry first, so if you don’t know when to quit like the others and settle down……that you deserve whatever you get)

So drop a line, do you think that single shaming is a big problem in Nigeria in particular or is a trend around the world? how do we put an end to it?

Do you think it is majorly the girl’s fault that she is not married by 30?</noscript